Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Fianna Fail Local Government Candidates Shun Doorstep

Reports from around the country indicate an unwillingness on the part of Fianna Fail candidates in the forthcoming local elections to call to the door.

Voters in Mullingar have been dismayed at the lack of post since local councilor and mailman Batty Dolan stopped delivering recently having been bitten on three separate occasions on his mail route. On the final occasion the property owner's rotweiller had to pull it's owner Mrs. Brenda O'Toole forcibly out of Councilor Dolan's left arse cheek.

Meanwhile in Galway there has been a similar lack of presence on the doorstep of the main party in Government. Says housewife and goat impresario Madeleine Horsht: "Not on single Fianna Fail candidate has called to my door. Mind you I found three looking in the window at the goats last Thursday evening".

In Cork, Fianna Fail candidate is so terrified of being blamed on the doorstep for the recession and the mismanagement of the country by the government, that he has even stopped using his own doorstep. "Tis terrible, " he confirmed to 2irish News and The Emergency earlier today. "At first I tried to avoid the doorstep itself, and only egressed by means of self-defenestration. The the langers started staking out my windows and i was forced to tunnell my way around neighbourhoods, canvassing by whispering voting suggestions through the water systems of North Cork estates.

"Now I'm confining myself to staying in a corner of my bedroom clasping my arms round my knes in a foetal position on the floor and muttering to myself. In fairness, that seems to be generally well received, particularly by my cat who has almost completely given up sharpening his claws on me as I do it."

Candidates have also begged sitting Fianna Fail TDs not to help them on the canvassing trail, although councilors in Offaly did recently agree to a walkabout with Taoiseach Brian Cowlike on conditioin they were all allowed to wear "I'm Not With That Arse" T-shirts.

Vital New York Yeats Group Service To Be Maintained Despite Cutbacks

The Minister for Irishy Stuff and People Who Live Near A Pig, Mr. Eamon "Mini-Dev" Ó Caoineadh has announced that funding for the study overseas of "Gaelic, Erse Hunger & Applied Alcoholic Fighting" will be maintained despite cutbacks in less vital areas such as keeping pensioners' body heat above freezing in December in Toomevara.

The announcement was publicised on Sunday but was still noticed slightly.

€770,000 euro will be spent on encouraging courses such as "Yeats, Sheep and Mysticism" at The Institute Of Bejaney Shaun That's A Grand Bodhrán in New York.

"The advantages of teaching Irish to people outside the country are obvious, given the lack of Irish spoken here in Ireland. It's like the whole Giant Panda thing," quipped Mini-Dev. "These are of huge benefit to Ireland's image overseas and fit in with the Taoiseach's plans for growing the 'Smart Economy' in Ireland, explained Mini-Dev speaking from the ministerial homburg earlier today. Yeats mugs, buttons and plates are a significant net contributor to GDP (in Taiwan at any rate) and the government believes that there is vast untapped potential in spreading knowledge and awareness of irish literary greats such as Shaw, Joyce, Behan, Keyes and Ahern."

The money will be sealed in oil cloth and sent to Boston on the next Death Ship from Cobh.

RTE News Sun 19th April "€770k for Irish language promotion abroad"

Monday, March 30, 2009

Exchequer Shortfall €2billion Greater Than Expected

Gardai were called early this morning to the home of a pensioner after she discovered the finance minister Brian Lendusafiver skulking in one of her kitchen presses.

The pensioner, 81 year old Mother Hubbard told reporters about her ordeal: "I had been to the cupboard earlier to fetch my poor doggie a bone" she said, "...I found that there was none. As I was in the next room about to go online and order a few tins of Kennomeat for myself and Fido, I heard a scratching sound coming from the kitchen."

On investigating the noise, she discovered Mr Lendusafiver inside the hitherto bare cupboard on his hands and knees, looking into corners with a magnifying glass, mumbling "No way out" over and over again. After subduing him with a few deftly judged "skelps" of her bag, Mother Hubbard at first called animal rescue, but was then passed on to the Gardai at Pearse Street.

Asked if she required hospitalisation following her ordeal, the doughty pensioner laughed and said "Go way out of that. At my age I'm used to finding Fianna Fail in my handbag and purse. In any case, the hospitals are shagged". She then administered a full round of "skelps" and went inside to listen to Joe.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Weather Latest - Midlands Braced For Smug

The Met Office has forecast that an enormous cloud of smug will descend on the midlands later on this week.

The cloud of smugness will be centred on Mullingar, known to blind people everywhere as the "St Petersburg of the west", and to people who have seen it as "Mullingar". The smug is expected to form in the town for the duration of the weekend.

It is expected that the smugness will dissipate around the country early next week, with its nexus settling once again in Leinster House, where it will form patches of frustration and indignation into early April.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Hopes Fading For Missing Tourism Minister

Mr Martin Couldnot the Minister for Tourism, Sikorsky And Bell-Huey is missing presumed largely unneccesary in his five star hotel suite in Houston, Texas, he was 54.

The Minister went missing shortly after entering his suite in the plush Daddy-Ewing Houston Plaza Hotel. In what some are viewing as an omen, the door of his limousine fell off twice during his trip to the hotel, as did the door of the elevator bringing his party up to their floor. Hotel Manager Bradley Spankteeth told reporters "The guy was unusually unlucky. His pants and one of his arms fell off when he was checking in".

According to the hotel's switchboard log, Mr Couldnot rang room service three times: at 8.15pm to order a steak dinner and some gold; twenty minutes later he rang and ordered more gold and 129 fax machines to be flown in from Dubai via Frankfurt and Dubai; his last call was logged at 11.04pm - it is believed he was trapped in his room's mini-bar after falling in when looking for a tin of nuts.

Mr Spankteeth said that the Daddy-Ewing Houston Plaza was doing everything in its power to ignore the scraping and giggling sounds coming from inside the mini-bar.