Landlsides A Major Threat To Ireland

A new report funded by the Mud Institute of Letterkenny claims that we are underestimating the danger posed by landslides in Ireland.

There have been an increasing number of incidents of land moving suddenly and alarmingly in the last few years and the new study reveals that in the early 50's Louth was involved in a border dispute with Donegal. It has been sliding slowly towards Britain ever since, much to the consternation of the patriotic population. Moves are underway to reverse the direction of the slide westwards, with a move to the tristate area of the USA a more popular option in the diminuitive county.

Global warming, excessive digging of holes and "The Fairies" are blamed in the new report, but these theories are ridiculed by another Academic Study soon to be published by a group headed by Professor Ryan Bigot, Professor of Violent & Painful History at UCG. Professor Bigot claims he has found evidence of outside interference in the integrity of soil in the Irish Republic stretching back to the War of Independence.

"Those Jessies who keep whining on about the mud being muddier because of the greenhouse gases might as well crawl up Mister Tony Blair's beautifully tailored trouser legs and snuggle down in whatever travesty of nature they find up there, " opined Professor Bigot, speaking from his Connemara crannog this morning.

"Anyone with half an eye left in his head that hasn't been totally deceived by a diet of BBC-this and Guardian Newspaper-that can see that the Brits are behind the whole thing. I can prove that a secret Brit M.O.D. operation to siphon the foundations away from under the East Coast and deposit them in what is now known as Anglesea has been going on since 1947".

Professor Bigot later admitted that he couldn't actually prove this but insisted that the earthy noises he hears at night when sleeping outdoors in case there's a "sly move on our homes" are consistent with MI5 burrowing operatives.

Fine Girl & Laboured Parties Announce Stamp Duty Proposals

Pet Rabbit and Edna Kenny today jointly announced plans to abolish stamp duty completely for everyone if the so-called "Raincoat Coalition" is returned in the forthcoming Irish General Election.

Said Mr. Rabbit: "This is a nettle Fianna Fall would not clutch and now they are grasping at straws while we claw back the money tooth and hair for the electorate".

Mr Rabbit was then rushed to hospital where he underwent a twelve hour operation to have his metaphors separated. He was later pronounced dead on arrival and released with a caution.

The joint plan has specific proposals for reform of the contentious stamp duty tax on the purchase of property in Ireland. It proposes specifically to change something sometime just as soon as they are elected and have had a wee while to think about it.

This contrasts sharply with Political Demon leader Baron Michael Von Dowell who has proposed dressing up as a cow and singing "Milk for the poor, Honey for my Honey" on top of the Ministry for Finance and the current Minister for Finance who has explained that he is too clever to explain anything to the likes of us.

Meanwhile Sinn Feign leader Gerry Addams has vowed to replace stamp duty with extra welfare payments in a twin-pronged plan which also includes restoring the nation's Fairy Forts to their pre-Cromwellian pomp.

Ireland Stunned By Sir Lanka Cricket Upset

Millions of Irish cricket fans are in mourning today after Ireland's shock defeat by the Sri Lankan outsiders in the World Cup of Cricket which is currently being held in the Caribbean.

"I'm desperately unhappy about," admitted GAA official Seán Óg Phucú from his Croke Park office today. "We were on the point of opening up Croker to what we accept is now the National Sport of Ireland. But when ye see them being larraped around the West Indies by the likes of Sri Lank... Sri Lanka!!! Jaysus the willow isn't even an indigenous tree in Sri Lanka. It's a huge loss. A great big financial loss to the GAA".

Meanwhile, German-born Ireland cricket captain Trout Johanson was quick to apologise for the unthinkable reversal: "Fair dinkum, cobber," he ranted while running round the hotel foyer where the press conference was held flapping his elbows exactly like a chicken. "Me and me blues were strapped to the dunny like a wombat up a bandicoot's arse. I'm thinking of having some sort of gay therapy. It's a bad day for us Irish. Wallaby me Sheila."

The Taoiseach has now postponed naming the date of the General Election until the cabinet has stopped crying.

Minister Claims Nurses Are Deliberately Trying To Kill Patients

Minister for Health, Hairy Marney, has revealed that she has a revelation revealing that striking nurses are deliberately planning to terminate Irish hospital patients with extreme prejudice.

"I have seen a document which shows that far from merely seeking reasonable working hours and a long overdue pay raise, these so called 'Nursing Organisations' are trying to kill off patients with neglect," said Ms Marney speaking from a big suit this morning. Asked if her source could be verified the Minister confirmed that the document was in her own handwriting and therefore unimpeachable as a source of information.

"They are as cunning as the devils of the Arabian desert," the Minister quipped obscurely to reporters who accosted her as she left her suit for work this morning, "and they hope to meet administrative targets by reducing the patient level to zero thus giving them an efficiency rating of infinity, which would allow them to heap a further burden on the taxpayer by claiming the associated three groat bonus".

This contrasts with the official Nursing Organisations' statement saying they want a reduction in the working week to just seven days and some money.