On This Day In Irish History: The Inverse Siege Of Ennis Begins (September 28th 1768)

Rebellious Irish Lords in Clare decide to attempt to overthrow the English invaders by barricading themselves into the town of Ennis and laying siege to Ireland from within.

There is early success as the supply of tin whistles to the Ennis hinterland is affected, but Ireland holds out, fashioning replacement whistles from the hollowed out femurs of rodents.

After three weeks the ringleader Daft Hugh Ormonde issues an ultimatum demanding the surrender of everyone outside Ennis. Sadly the move falls foul of the location of the post office of the time just outside the centre of Ennis.

Unable to post the ultimatum, Daft Hugh ties the message to the leg of a crow and gives it to a messenger with instructions to send the bird to the armies trapped outside inn Ireland.


The messenger eats the crow and the message and sends the feathers instead. In the 16th century this is acknowledged as a sign that you surrender and wish to be massacred.

The inverse siege fails.

EU Says Pint Legal

The EU has decided that it will lift the mandatory death sentence for the use Imperial weights and measures in the UK and The Republic of Ireland. The move by the EU Commissioner For Amounts Of Stuff, Herr Shortlong Grossenlanger, comes just days before the EU was due to issue warrants for the arrest of most of the population of England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland including warrants for the arrest of twelve mice in Longford.

Pints will now continue to be used in the sale of alcohol, with the displaying of pounds and ounces also legalised. However the use of the Cow as a measure of distance in Carlow is to remain on the official banned list, and inhabitants of Achill will have switch from the Goatsarse and Tinygoatsarse to litres and millilitres by 2010.

Mayo Fianna Fail Defer Decision On Beverly Copper-Neck, Badger

The local cumann of Fianna Fail in Mayo was unable to reach a decision on the claims to readmission to the party of two expelled members, Ms Beverly Copper-Neck and Mr Baartholomew "Batt" Badger. Ms Flynn was expelled from Fianna Fail when she lost a libel case against obscure public service broadcasting organisation RTE, whereas Batt Badger was expelled when it came to light that he is a badger.



The local party is split down the middle with half the voting members thinking that payment of €20 billion in costs by Ms Copper-Neck is sufficient punishment and the other half believing that there is a greater possibility that a badger will cease to be a badger than that Ms Copper-Neck will amend her ways.

The matter has been referred to party headquarters where a decision is likely to be delayed pending the outcome of two intra-party commissions into the electability of wild animals and letting a badger in respectively.

BreakingNews.ie 11/09/2007 "FF members in Mayo divided over Flynn re-admission"

Three Roads Shut For Car Free Day in Dublin

Three streets are to be closed for the forthcoming Car Free Day in Dublin after the Minister for the Environment John Gormless stuck his oar in. This is a big change from a regular day in Dublin when it is impossible to drive down approximately 947 streets.



Mr Gormless (seen here on the way to an important meeting with a woodland creature) has urged people to follow his lead and either walk or use something similar to his recently acquired ministerial donkey.

Ireland.com 11/09/2007 "Car Free Day to shut 3 Dublin streets"

Suspect Comedy Bomb Turns Out To Be Hoax In Baldoyle

Gardaí yesterday discovered that a suspect device attached to a vehicle parked in the beautiful Dublin suburb of Baldoyle was an elaborate hoax. Members of the public alerted Gardaí when they spotted a large comedy bomb, labelled "BOMB" on the roof of a white van bearing the legend "Defuse Me!" written by fingertip in the dirt on its sides.



The Army Comedy Bomb Disposal Unit was called in from the Second Light Clowning Infantry Division and the area was cleared as they approached the suspect device in their hilarious falls-apart car, They pied the van in question and the tall skinny Clowning Infantryman accidentally poured a bucket of water over his shorter colleague who was inexplicably carrying a plank over his shoulder. The plank almost hit other members of the until several times as the small chap whirled around frantically looking for a bomb, much to the amusement of the distant onlookers.

In the even the device turned out not to be a real comedy bomb, but a convincing Chinese replica comedy bomb. Such items have made their way onto the Irish comedy explosives market recently and whilst they are quite amusing from a distance many are merely sarcastic when viewed up close and some particularly dangerous examples have been shown to be borderline tragic.

RTE News 05/09/2007: "Baldoyle Suspect Device Was Elaborate Hoax"

Environment Minister To Deny Stag Hunt Licence But Slug Hunts To Proceed

The Minister for the Environment John Gormless is expected to deny the Meath-based "Flay The Cute Woodland Beasts Hunt" a licence to hunt deer this year. Last year the hunt drove a stag into a schoolyard leading to the accidental educating of five of its members and a persistent smell of terrified deer in the gym.



Since there are no other deer hunts in Ireland this will in effect ban all deer hunting in the state. However anti-hunt protesters are likely to be disappointed that a licence to the Ballyferriter Slug Hunt looks set to be granted despite Minister Gormless' personal distaste for the traditional Kerry mollusc rending festival.

A spokesperson for The Department of the Environment has confirmed that slugs are officially classified as "Yucky" and will therefore not be protected from harassment by the Ballyferriter Hunt. Each year the hunt meets close to Smerwick Harbour and pursues a buck slug across country before the attendant pack of slug hounds tears the slug limb from limb. The chase takes a long time but the kill is swift, there being only one limb.

RTE News 04/09/2007: "Gormley unlikely to grant stag hunt licence"