MINISTER FOR FINANCE, BRIAN LENDUSAHAND
The Minister For Finance, Brian Lendusahand, has moved swiftly this morning, tripped over the family legacy and recovered nimbly in time to reassure Irish businesses and other depositors that all deposits in Irish banks will be guaranteed for two years from today.
"There is no need for panic", he announced, causing the ISEQ to go into a wild tailspin when trading opened this morning.
"This is terrible news", said a trader George Sixtyadayandrising. "We knew things were bad, but this information from the government regarding the need to panic has scared the shite out of us altogether".
Mr Lendahand has announced a Squillion Euro to be earmarked to guarantee deposits in the major Irish banking institutions including The Big Irish Bank, The Other Big Irish Bank and the troubled The Not Quite As Big As Last Thursday Irish Bank.
Mr Lendusahand said the government is confident that with prudent fiscal policy and continued shrewd investment in the right kind of magic beans, the Irish economy can be competitive with growth expected to resume in 2009, or if not then some other time.
The guarantee is backed by a large pot of gold at the end of a state-run rainbow in a secret location in Leitrim. Following his statement to the press, Mr Lendusahand did not take questions from the media, instead crying out "Ye'll never get me gold, ye spalpeens!" before donning a green hat and comedy red beard and disappearing in the twinkling of eye.
