"Manuel" Bullying Phone Calls - LenihanTo Resign, Cowan To Be Suspended, Pig To Fly

"Que?" - The alleged victim of the abusive calls

Two of the country's leading clowns were in hot water today after making threatening phone calls to an elderly actor teasing him about his medical card and generally abusing him.

At one point during the tirade of telephone abuse Cowan, the country's top paid comedian suggests "When we're finished with you, Lennie [sic] can fuck your grand-daughter's education"

Lenihan, the lesser of the two idiots may resign while Cowan, highly remunerated star of the long running TV farce Oireachtais Report may be suspended if anyone can be found who actually gives a bollix

MoD Releases Papers On 1991 Smiling Unionist Sighting

Dateline London: The British Ministry of Defence has released for the first time details of a sighting of a smiling Unionist in Northern Ireland during the early nineties - the disclosures, made under the Freedom Of Guff & Bollocks Act of 1997 are described as "significant"*

The blurred photo accompanying the report into the 1991 sighting hints at a possible, ambiguous smirk. "Like the mysterious smirk of 'La Gioconda', only on the face of a right Hun, hai" according to Jackson Twittle, an independent researcher into the para-normal based in Northern Ireland.

"Perhaps the effect is the result of high altitude gamma radiation reflecting at the just the right moment on the camera lens, ther hai" Mr Twittle told 2irish News from the box room of his elderly mother's home in Newry. If that is the case, Twittle concedes that the photo must be a fake. "Its just possible though, that the camera picked up a flicker of satisfaction at the thought of them homosexuals ther nai, nationalists, catholics and the like having a good old burn in hell; and if thats the case, this information is one in a million, hai".

* "significant" only when used in the context of "significant when we need something to fill a couple of paragraphs"

Harney Drinks Petrol - Pisses All Over Bonfire

Despite last night's offer of a compromise in the row over medical cards by the Taoiseach Brian Cowface, the fallout from the plan to bring in means tests for people aged over 70 years rages on.

Mr Cowbreath last night offered to engage in talks with the medical profession to establish if the "Government's" scheme could be modified.

However the Mighty Jabba The Health today said the Government would not change its collective "hive-mind" on its decision to abolish the right to a medical card for people over 70.

Speaking on RTÉ Radio's Marian Hackingcough programme, Mighty Jabba said the Government had not made the decision “blindly”.

Quaffing petrol, kerosene, vodka and other accelerant fluids, Jabba told Ms Hackingcough “ Skeemo latha kwan andro lappy canna oh pu oh ho ho ho ho ho" her rat-like translator puppy Drumm of G'Narrth told listeners that Jabba had said "Mighty Jabba does not think that beings like her should get the medical card for example. The automatic right to a medical card for the over 70s regardless of their means has been removed. The Government will not be changing that decision...oh ho ho ho ho ho”.

As Taoiseach Cowbrain danced around the conflagration threatening to engulf his administration, Jabba released a strong steady stream of Hutt urine laced with flammable liquid. Four ladders of the Dublin Jedi were called in to help dampen the flames but in the end they resisted the pleas for aid.

Dublin's Chief Jedi, Bernard Yoda told 2irish News that "Uncertain the future is - clouded. But most likely fucked they are. Coalition. The. Fucked. Yes".

US Presidential Debate Analysis

In a move to woo younger voters away from his opponent Barack Obama, a desperate John McCain (main picture) "body pop dances" onto the stage for last night's televised Candidates' Debate. Mr McCain continued in this ill advised vein throughout the debate, continually referring to his wife Cindy only as "Me poontang".
His running mate Sarah Palin he described as "Just the kinda whacked out crazy bi-atch that the hood needs right now y'all"; he also made continual reference to Mrs Palin's "rack".
In a special message to Iranian President Armoureddinnerjacket, Mr McCain gravely warned that he would "Like to pop a cap in that motherfucker's ass" and stated that he would not rest until "That mutha's hoes is weepin fo' his ass"

Harney Echoes Calls For HSE Senior Management Pay Cut

Mighty Jabba The Health has added her ululation to the call for senior management in the Health "Service" Executive to follow their betters in government to a ten percent paycut perc*nt.

She denied that there was anything underhand, underclaw or undertentacle about the fact that the pay cut would not be reflected in the massive pensions due to the cabinet or senior civil servants.

Eating a reporter from Newstalk 106, Mighty Jabba said "Ennolie skwanna paff hattha carbonite meyo loki canna waardhu oh ho-ho-ho-ho" which ran through the Department of Foreign Affairs protocol droid, and was translated as "Look. We have done nothing but funnel huge sums into the health service. I see no reason whatever to freeze my pension in carbonite to please those insignificant little people...what are they called again? Oh yes...voters oh ho-ho-ho-ho"

Mighty Jabba, Queen of All Pies and OverMaiden of Drumm the Incompetent of G'Naarth, declined to comment on her coming downgrading from "That Useless Wasteful Progressive Democrat C*nt Harney" to the more informal "That Useless Wasteful Independent C*nt Harney"

The search for the last of the Progressive Democrats continues. A bounty of 12 K'Laatus has been offered by the Jedi Council to "..eradicate their kind for good and all"

Budget D-Day ....New Moron, New Tactics

The Minister For Moving Around Vast Amounts Of Debt today puts his first budget before the Dail in an attempt to cover up the mismanagement of the State Coffers over the past ten years or so of Maffianna Fail "government".

Mr Lendusafiver proposes to replace the so called "Spend Like A Pissed Bricklayer In London" economic model with a new plan called simply "Boo!"

"Boo!" involves creeping up behind small amounts of debt that have broken away from or otherwise become separated from the bulk of the global credit crunch, and having crept stealthily up, being quite suddenly and unexpectedly scary - perhaps saying "Boo!" or "Feck Off With Ye Now!".

Its worth a shot I suppose....



















The Minister for Fincancial Hijinks demonstrates the correct way to creep up on debt before going "Boo!"

KIM JONG ILL

...So America called off hostilities apparently. Meanwhile in Washington DC, the US Charlatan in Chief George W. Bush called for the world to unite against the global financial crisis.

Launching the "War On No Money" Mr Bush told a sleeping member of the Washington press corps and a dog that "Frr too long...the wrrrrld hzz hd too much mmnny but now...its gnn - we hv to unat...gainst pvvvrty...like that Irish fella in th sn gllassess sez 'bout th strvin drrrkies...whats his name 'gain? oh yeh...tht cnt Bono"

Mr Bush's proposal is that a coalition of crooked free marketeers will bomb the credit crunch into submission. "Peeple will die but thts ok...prrrmurrilly cz its th will uf the Lrrrd...but mainly cz ahm nt one of em" he said.

Arse Falls Out Of Arse Market

The arse has fallen out of the international Arse markets this morning as reaction to the reaction continues. Leading Arse trader in Dublin, Kevin O'Buggernotagain, explained that the overabundance of arse has led to a glut with the Universal Non-adjusted Bespoke End-aware Light and Industrial Euro-corrected Validatable Escalated Arse Balance (Low End) (UNBELIEVEAB(LE)) bottoming out at 2% of it's previous high reached last year during the rush to Arse as traders sought to deny reality.



"There's so much Arse out there you can't sell in the current market," he sobbed as he plummeted to the hard, cold sidewalk below.

Trading in the controversial US Arse Futures market was suspended yesterday and will remain suspended until it becomes certain that Sarah Palin will be fecking off back to Alaska.

Meanwhile the Irish Government has moved to guarantee Irish Arse deposits.

"The state will ensure that there is more than sufficient Arse in Ireland well into the next decade," promised Minister Of State for Whatever, Sharon O'Pleasegiveusabreak.