Fianna Fail Local Government Candidates Shun Doorstep

Reports from around the country indicate an unwillingness on the part of Fianna Fail candidates in the forthcoming local elections to call to the door.

Voters in Mullingar have been dismayed at the lack of post since local councilor and mailman Batty Dolan stopped delivering recently having been bitten on three separate occasions on his mail route. On the final occasion the property owner's rotweiller had to pull it's owner Mrs. Brenda O'Toole forcibly out of Councilor Dolan's left arse cheek.

Meanwhile in Galway there has been a similar lack of presence on the doorstep of the main party in Government. Says housewife and goat impresario Madeleine Horsht: "Not on single Fianna Fail candidate has called to my door. Mind you I found three looking in the window at the goats last Thursday evening".

In Cork, Fianna Fail candidate is so terrified of being blamed on the doorstep for the recession and the mismanagement of the country by the government, that he has even stopped using his own doorstep. "Tis terrible, " he confirmed to 2irish News and The Emergency earlier today. "At first I tried to avoid the doorstep itself, and only egressed by means of self-defenestration. The the langers started staking out my windows and i was forced to tunnell my way around neighbourhoods, canvassing by whispering voting suggestions through the water systems of North Cork estates.

"Now I'm confining myself to staying in a corner of my bedroom clasping my arms round my knes in a foetal position on the floor and muttering to myself. In fairness, that seems to be generally well received, particularly by my cat who has almost completely given up sharpening his claws on me as I do it."

Candidates have also begged sitting Fianna Fail TDs not to help them on the canvassing trail, although councilors in Offaly did recently agree to a walkabout with Taoiseach Brian Cowlike on conditioin they were all allowed to wear "I'm Not With That Arse" T-shirts.

Vital New York Yeats Group Service To Be Maintained Despite Cutbacks

The Minister for Irishy Stuff and People Who Live Near A Pig, Mr. Eamon "Mini-Dev" Ó Caoineadh has announced that funding for the study overseas of "Gaelic, Erse Hunger & Applied Alcoholic Fighting" will be maintained despite cutbacks in less vital areas such as keeping pensioners' body heat above freezing in December in Toomevara.

The announcement was publicised on Sunday but was still noticed slightly.

€770,000 euro will be spent on encouraging courses such as "Yeats, Sheep and Mysticism" at The Institute Of Bejaney Shaun That's A Grand Bodhrán in New York.

"The advantages of teaching Irish to people outside the country are obvious, given the lack of Irish spoken here in Ireland. It's like the whole Giant Panda thing," quipped Mini-Dev. "These are of huge benefit to Ireland's image overseas and fit in with the Taoiseach's plans for growing the 'Smart Economy' in Ireland, explained Mini-Dev speaking from the ministerial homburg earlier today. Yeats mugs, buttons and plates are a significant net contributor to GDP (in Taiwan at any rate) and the government believes that there is vast untapped potential in spreading knowledge and awareness of irish literary greats such as Shaw, Joyce, Behan, Keyes and Ahern."

The money will be sealed in oil cloth and sent to Boston on the next Death Ship from Cobh.

RTE News Sun 19th April "€770k for Irish language promotion abroad"