2irish News

Fianna Fail Local Government Candidates Shun Doorstep

2009-04-21T14:51:00.002+01:00

Reports from around the country indicate an unwillingness on the part of Fianna Fail candidates in the forthcoming local elections to call to the door.

Voters in Mullingar have been dismayed at the lack of post since local councilor and mailman Batty Dolan stopped delivering recently having been bitten on three separate occasions on his mail route. On the final occasion the property owner's rotweiller had to pull it's owner Mrs. Brenda O'Toole forcibly out of Councilor Dolan's left arse cheek.

Meanwhile in Galway there has been a similar lack of presence on the doorstep of the main party in Government. Says housewife and goat impresario Madeleine Horsht: "Not on single Fianna Fail candidate has called to my door. Mind you I found three looking in the window at the goats last Thursday evening".

In Cork, Fianna Fail candidate is so terrified of being blamed on the doorstep for the recession and the mismanagement of the country by the government, that he has even stopped using his own doorstep. "Tis terrible, " he confirmed to 2irish News and The Emergency earlier today. "At first I tried to avoid the doorstep itself, and only egressed by means of self-defenestration. The the langers started staking out my windows and i was forced to tunnell my way around neighbourhoods, canvassing by whispering voting suggestions through the water systems of North Cork estates.

"Now I'm confining myself to staying in a corner of my bedroom clasping my arms round my knes in a foetal position on the floor and muttering to myself. In fairness, that seems to be generally well received, particularly by my cat who has almost completely given up sharpening his claws on me as I do it."

Candidates have also begged sitting Fianna Fail TDs not to help them on the canvassing trail, although councilors in Offaly did recently agree to a walkabout with Taoiseach Brian Cowlike on conditioin they were all allowed to wear "I'm Not With That Arse" T-shirts.

Vital New York Yeats Group Service To Be Maintained Despite Cutbacks

2009-04-21T14:29:00.003+01:00

The Minister for Irishy Stuff and People Who Live Near A Pig, Mr. Eamon "Mini-Dev" Ó Caoineadh has announced that funding for the study overseas of "Gaelic, Erse Hunger & Applied Alcoholic Fighting" will be maintained despite cutbacks in less vital areas such as keeping pensioners' body heat above freezing in December in Toomevara.

The announcement was publicised on Sunday but was still noticed slightly.

€770,000 euro will be spent on encouraging courses such as "Yeats, Sheep and Mysticism" at The Institute Of Bejaney Shaun That's A Grand Bodhrán in New York.

"The advantages of teaching Irish to people outside the country are obvious, given the lack of Irish spoken here in Ireland. It's like the whole Giant Panda thing," quipped Mini-Dev. "These are of huge benefit to Ireland's image overseas and fit in with the Taoiseach's plans for growing the 'Smart Economy' in Ireland, explained Mini-Dev speaking from the ministerial homburg earlier today. Yeats mugs, buttons and plates are a significant net contributor to GDP (in Taiwan at any rate) and the government believes that there is vast untapped potential in spreading knowledge and awareness of irish literary greats such as Shaw, Joyce, Behan, Keyes and Ahern."

The money will be sealed in oil cloth and sent to Boston on the next Death Ship from Cobh.

RTE News Sun 19th April "€770k for Irish language promotion abroad"

Exchequer Shortfall €2billion Greater Than Expected

2009-03-30T11:12:00.006+01:00

Gardai were called early this morning to the home of a pensioner after she discovered the finance minister Brian Lendusafiver skulking in one of her kitchen presses.

The pensioner, 81 year old Mother Hubbard told reporters about her ordeal: "I had been to the cupboard earlier to fetch my poor doggie a bone" she said, "...I found that there was none. As I was in the next room about to go online and order a few tins of Kennomeat for myself and Fido, I heard a scratching sound coming from the kitchen."

On investigating the noise, she discovered Mr Lendusafiver inside the hitherto bare cupboard on his hands and knees, looking into corners with a magnifying glass, mumbling "No way out" over and over again. After subduing him with a few deftly judged "skelps" of her bag, Mother Hubbard at first called animal rescue, but was then passed on to the Gardai at Pearse Street.

Asked if she required hospitalisation following her ordeal, the doughty pensioner laughed and said "Go way out of that. At my age I'm used to finding Fianna Fail in my handbag and purse. In any case, the hospitals are shagged". She then administered a full round of "skelps" and went inside to listen to Joe.

Weather Latest - Midlands Braced For Smug

2009-03-22T16:54:00.003Z

The Met Office has forecast that an enormous cloud of smug will descend on the midlands later on this week.

The cloud of smugness will be centred on Mullingar, known to blind people everywhere as the "St Petersburg of the west", and to people who have seen it as "Mullingar". The smug is expected to form in the town for the duration of the weekend.

It is expected that the smugness will dissipate around the country early next week, with its nexus settling once again in Leinster House, where it will form patches of frustration and indignation into early April.

Hopes Fading For Missing Tourism Minister

2009-03-21T14:48:00.002Z

Mr Martin Couldnot the Minister for Tourism, Sikorsky And Bell-Huey is missing presumed largely unneccesary in his five star hotel suite in Houston, Texas, he was 54.

The Minister went missing shortly after entering his suite in the plush Daddy-Ewing Houston Plaza Hotel. In what some are viewing as an omen, the door of his limousine fell off twice during his trip to the hotel, as did the door of the elevator bringing his party up to their floor. Hotel Manager Bradley Spankteeth told reporters "The guy was unusually unlucky. His pants and one of his arms fell off when he was checking in".

According to the hotel's switchboard log, Mr Couldnot rang room service three times: at 8.15pm to order a steak dinner and some gold; twenty minutes later he rang and ordered more gold and 129 fax machines to be flown in from Dubai via Frankfurt and Dubai; his last call was logged at 11.04pm - it is believed he was trapped in his room's mini-bar after falling in when looking for a tin of nuts.

Mr Spankteeth said that the Daddy-Ewing Houston Plaza was doing everything in its power to ignore the scraping and giggling sounds coming from inside the mini-bar.

Real Leadership, Going Forward

2009-03-17T01:22:00.002Z

Taoiseach Brian Cowlike pictured in New York yesterday ahead of his Patrick's Day meeting with President Barack Obama in the White House.

There were smiles all round today in Washington DC when Irish "Premier" Brian Cowlike shook hands with President Barack Obama with the quip "At last Mr President, the two most influential Offaly men in the world meet"

"Christy Todd, Offaly GAA Central Council Representative is here in DC?" a startled Barack Obama replied, causing the room to go quiet briefly.

A Whitehouse spokesculchie explained to visiting journalists how enthusiastic a supporter of Offaly hurling Mr Obama is; "Arrah jayz dun't he have got all of the posters give away with the Farmers Journal that last time we was in the All Ireland? Dez up all over de wall of the Presdienual Bedroom - jayz it drive herself mad so I'm told" the spokesculchie said, in a strong Boston accent.

Dole Money "Running Out" - Minister Claims St. Patrick To Bridge Gap

2009-03-13T06:38:00.004Z

A senior civil servant at The Department Of Social & Family Disintegration yesterday told a Dáil committee that the money for the dole is "running out". This appears to be a direct result of the governments recent "high unemployment" strategy, which the government says will eventually produce "a resource in terms of quality biological trans-national trasitationary assets".

When this goal is achieved, government experts say the cost of unemployment will be offset when the people in question "piss off". However unemployment is increasing beyond expectations and will reach 600,000 roughly twice as fast as is now thought.

However the Minister for Social & Family Disintegration, Mary Hasafin, denies that there's a problem. Speaking to us through the bars of our protective cage, Ms. Hasafin said: "Although the money in the National Dole Kitty is going to run out twelve years earlier than expected, this will simply be solved by the exchequer bridging the gap. And in the event of the exchequer being short, Saint Patrick will bridge the gap with his magic golden snake".

Ms. Hasafin explained that the patron saint of Ireland has personally assured her in an email (or "vision" as she trermed it) that he will "use his mighty goldie snake of plenty to magic us the extra funds".

Opposition politicians have ridiculed this approach and Fine Gael have explicitly pledged to replace the St Patrick policy with one based on "sound financial judgement and magic beans".

RTE Calls End To Questions & Answers

2009-03-10T18:29:00.004Z

Our picture (to the right) shows RTE favourite Derek Mooney pictured in real life

The state broadcaster RTE (Ryan Took Everything) has announced that it will cease to produce the long running popular political "town hall" panel show Questions & Answers after June of this year.

An RTE spokesbeing explained the move to reporters yesterday, stating: "RTE feel that Questions & Answers is no longer relevant to the viewing public at this time when there are so many more questions being asked and answers being sought"

Pausing briefly to commune with other nodes in the hive-mind, the spokesbeing continued: "Something nice and light with that nice woman Derek Mooney in it will get to the bottom of all this political stuff"

"People want answers" it said. "Questions...and....Oh my Lord Gay Byrne WHAT HAVE WE DONE?"

It is thought to have been the only moment of self-realisation which has taken place in RTE in over 30 years.

Q&A presenter John Bowtie is to produce a history commemorating the high points of RTE's fifty years of TV broadcasting. That'll be a Gaybo-packed nine minutes then...

Tainiste To Run Country During Annual Patrick's Day Exodus

2009-03-08T18:54:00.003Z

The Tainiste and Minister For Unfeminine Mucksavagery Swearymary Coughlan is to run the country in the Taoiseach's absence during the annual emptying out of TDs to foreign climes in the name of St Patrick - this despite the belief among many Dail insiders that a good-sized toaster oven would do less damage if left in charge of the levers of power for a short time; they also point out that the toaster oven can do many useful things quickly and efficiently without exhibiting any trace of pressure triggered Tourette's.

In a related story, it has been decided at Cabinet that the traditional presentation by the Taoiseach to the US President of a Waterford Crystal bowl filled with shamrock will differ this year.
A spokescipher at Martin Couldnot's Department of Shameful Spending and Tourism confirmed to 2irish News that the shamrock would be presented this year in a 1 litre Tupperware basin. "Its more in keeping with the hairshirt mood of the moment" the spokescipher said, before rushing off to book a helicopter to take Minister Couldnot down to the Spar and back for the paper.

Government Sleepwalking says Brutal

2009-03-06T12:11:00.001Z

The Fine Girl finance spokesmen, Richard Brutal has claimed that the
government is "sleepwalking" through the financial and economic crisis.

" I have personally had to elbow minister Brian Lendusabillion in the
ribs on twelve separate occasions to arouse him", Brutal claimed
speaking from the high ground this morning.

Mr. Lendusabillion has denied this. In a statement he said: "I have
never to my knowledge been aroused by Richard Brutal or by anyone or
anything else. I am fast asleep and am committed to remaining
unconscious for the duration of this crisis".

Other key government members have also denied allegations of
somnambulance including the Taoiseach (coma), the Tanaiste
(arsewhacked) and John Gormley (Green Party).

Government Seeks Ideas For Mini Budget

2009-03-05T12:07:00.004Z

The government is making figures available for the opposition parties to view in order that they might make their own proposals for the forthcoming mini budget.

"The figures are big and impressive and we hope the Opposition will stop squealing like a bunch of skint pigs and put forward some concrete proposals," spat Tánaiste Swearymary Coughlan at reporters in an official government laneway late last night.

The government has denied that it will just steal any good ideas put forward and pass them off as their own. "Yizzir completely missing the feckin point", insisted the Tánaiste, "It's more to do with taking the shite ideas from them, mixing them up with our shite ideas and blaming that poxy little Spailieenfuckdogpikofecker Gilmore when the whole thing goes tits up the day after it's published".

The Tánaiste exclusively revealed to 2irish News that the governement has plans to expand this open door policy by publishing the same Department of Lack Of Finance figures on MySpace, FaceBook and Twitter.

"It's the only way we're ever going to get any feckin' friends," she breathed hoarsely before going for a little snooze.

ECB Head Jean-Claude Triquy "Only Joking" About Ireland

2009-03-04T12:17:00.004Z

The President of the European Central Bank, Jean-Claude Triquy has admitted he was taking the piss at a meeting recently in Dublin where he expressed confidence in Ireland's ability to come through the current economic difficulties.

Government Ministers in Ireland have been referring to M. Triquy's comments whenever challenged on their ability to come close to even having a clue how to get out of the mess we are in. As recently as last night the Minister for Moving Stuff, Noclue Dempsey, claimed that "Everything is grand. The French fellah from the big bank said he has every confidence in the government and that's good enough for me."

However M. Triquy told friends at a party last night night that there was a misunderstanding. Speaking in a comedy French accent he is reported to have said he was "Only 'aving ze craique wiz my leetle Irish pig friends. 'Ow zey love ze fairy tales in zat leetle country."

M. Triquy is noted for his humourous badinage and recently created a similar storm when remarking on a visit to Italy that he would "trust ze Italian government wiz ze keys to my god-daughters' boudoirs".

Fianna Fail is currently drawing up plans to re-draw constitutency boundaries to include Jean-Claude Triquy's house.

"Mini-Budget" Announced

2009-03-04T00:42:00.003Z

Up to nine jobs in the dangerously insecure "quango" sector are expected to be announced by Swearymary Coughlan the Tainiste and Minister For 'Excelsior!' following the announcement of a mini-budget later this month.

Originally ruled out by alleged Taoiseach Brian Cowlike last year when it was still believed in government circles that the recession was a plot twist in Fair City, the mini-budget is now inevitable as Ireland's international status has gone from 'donor' to 'recipient' on the influential GOBC (Geldof Organised Benefit Concert) scale.

The nine jobs to be created are believed to be in the area of branding. A government spokesgoon told 2irish News that: "...obviously we have to be careful how we pitch this fiscal molotov at an already conflagrated electorate - we're anxious to launch it under the brand 'Budget-Lite' or 'Funsize Budget', and either way the logo will be hugely expensive; I mean important.....and expensive"

"Come in - we've just had a recession delievered" Fair City breaks the news to a shell-shocked nation

Door Falls Off Helicopter, Fails To Help Economy

2009-03-02T20:28:00.005Z

Minister for Arts, Sport and Tourism Martin Couldn't pictured at the Irish Hotels & Other Dying Industries Federation conference in Co Kerry before the incident

The door of a helicopter in which Minister for Arts, Sport and Tourism Martin Couldn't was travelling fell off yesterday 500 feet over Killarney National Park - it is not known if it was a miracle that saved the minister, or dumb luck that he happpened to be peering at his reflection in the other door at the time of the mishap.

An official at the Department of Looking-Busy told 2 irish News that the Air Corps helicopter was bringing the minister "...out for a fly, to keep him out of trouble like" after he had spoken in the general direction of delegates at the Irish Hotels & Other Dying Industries Federation conference in Co Kerry, when the incident occurred - it had been in the air for less than three minutes when the main door on the left hand side came loose and fell to the ground.

An un-named Air Corps spokespilot told our reporter that the tragedy was nearly a red letter day for Ireland "If it had happened a split second later, they would have turned off the fasten setbelt sign and have been steeply banking left - its a shocking waste, really it is".

In a statement yesterday Mr Couldn't said he wanted to thank the helicopter's crew for theis professionalism and calmness.

"I wish to extend my sincere thanks to the Air Corps Fly-Funny-Looking-Ship fellas, for their professi.....prumny....prollorfessy...doing their hard work thing this afternoon. They were cool like on the telly," he said.

The Minster for the Indefensible, Wee Willie O’Deee, and the Army Chief of Ironic Statements About The State Of The Country, Lieutenant General Gideon Mime have been fully updated on the situation and will be receiving a report on the incident in due course.

"Bigger Boys Made Me Do It" - McCreevy

2009-02-28T17:29:00.004Z

Irish financial genius and EU Commissioner for Let Them Eat Cake Charlie McGravytrain has granted 2irish News an exclusive in-depth interview outlining his views of the current global downturn.
Echoing his comments in the media earlier this week, where he blamed a lax approach by major governments to regulation for the creation of a "super-bubble", Mr McGravytrain told our reporter that he was frequently bullied during the 1990's and early part of this century by "bigger boys" who held him upside down in the toilets and gave him "...chinese [sic] wrist burns".
This intimidation was the first step in his being made to "de-regulate" and "cause a bubble" himself.
Mr McGravytrain is expected to make several pronouncements over the course of the next few weeks on the dangers of "running with scissors" and advice that one should never "stare directly at the sun" or eat "dishwasher tablets" no matter how much they smell like playdough.

Black Death Prefereable To Current Government: New Poll Results

2009-02-27T15:13:00.004Z

An opinion poll in todays Irish Indefensiblytacky has put Fianna Fail in 9th place behind Fine Gael (30%), Labour (25%), The Greens (9%), Sinn Féin (5%), Others (5%), The Ghost Of Des O'Malley (4%), Judge The Dog (3%) and A Recurrence Of the Black Death (1%).

Commenting on the partiy's historically low approval rating of 0.67%, the Tánaiste Mary Coughlan (not the talented one, the other one) said that while there was clearly room for improvement the party was not dismayed.

"We realise that any government taking unpopular and tough decisions will have trouble in the opinion polls right now," she said, speaking through the official letterbox at Fianna Fail HQ this morning. "Things could be worse, and it's only natural that the public would rather be slowly and painfully wiped out by a virulent disease than watch an Taoiseach and myself and the rest of the feckers stuck in this god-forsaken hole of a kip going through the macabre dance of staggering, slurring incompetence which is becoming our trademark. Shite, I meant to say something else. Ouch."

The Tánaiste ended the interview by falling forwards and slowly banging her head repeatedly against the door for twelve minutes to emphasise her determination to run headlong at any and all impermeable objects in her way.

Meanwhile a spokesghoul for The Black Death has said he and his pandemic are delighted at the results of the poll and that their position ahead of the party leading the government thoroughly justifies their policy of killing everyone.

EU To Turn Ireland Into "Bad Country"

2009-02-25T11:06:00.003Z

French President Nicolas Sarkaztique revealed a radical plan to cope with the financial and banking crisis currently gripping the EU, it has emerged. In private sessions at the recent meeting of EU leaders he put forward the idea of aggregating the estimated €20 trillion of European bad bank debt and creating a special bank to carry it all.

The bank will be called "Ireland".

In a further stroke of genius the French and German governments have also suggested that rather than merely operating as a "Bad Bank" this concept could be widened into an entirely new instrument, th "Bad Country". As the "Bad Country" of Europe, Ireland could also take on EU unemployment, poverty, racial tension and all but the top 7 or 8 football clubs from each country.

"Ze capacity of Irlande to put up zis sheet is legendary," said President Sarkaztique, speaking in a comedy French accent from his fur-lined pied-a-terre in Montmartre this morning. "All srew 'er 'istory she 'as shown 'erself to be ze most adpet of all European nations at being the sous-chien, ze 'ow you say "underdog"? Also we see by ze way she 'as blown 'er sheet completement when sings went well in ze period of ze Celtique Tigeur. She just can't 'andle eet. But wallowing in ze merde, in zis she is wizout equal, she is magnifique."

The bad debt, poor social conditions and crap football of Europe would be gradually discharged in this way over a twenty year period, following which Germany would fix the roads, restore and glaze the castles and use Ireland as it's offical "Spaßaffe" ("Fun Monkey").

Fine Gael Demand New Financial Regulatory Board

2009-02-24T12:07:00.004Z

Fine Gael, a loose grouping of people not in Fianna Fail, are to demand that the entire Financial Regulatory Board be replaced in a motion to be debated tonight in the Dáil.

Fine Gael Finance Spokesman Richard Brutal says the Financial Regulator should be replaced by an armed force empowered to shoot on sight. "It's time to kick arse", he confirmed to 2irish News today, "for too long members of the banking community have been allowed to do what they like without fear of being mowed down in a hail of fiery death".

Fine Gael are also seeking to have bankers' incomes capped at €250,000, representing a 1000% cut on average and to have the so called "Golden Circle Of 10" named publicly. Labout is thought to be considering tabling an amendment to the motion which additionally calls for the Silver Ellipse of 25 names suspected of owning more than five Louis Copeland suits and the Bronze Penumbra of 560 whom they believe have "fairly big cars" to be named and shamed in the Dáil as well.

Asked to comment on the proposed move, the current chairman of the Financial Regulatory Board told 2irish news "Fair Play To Them". Then ten minutes later he rang back calling the move "A disgrace".

Government Plan To Pay Long Term Unemployed Dole At Work

2009-02-24T10:28:00.003Z

The government is planning a scheme whereby long term unemployed will retain their dole whilst returning to work, 2irish News has learned by reading the paper.

Under the scheme as many as 166 TDs would be enabled to return to work and still keep their state handouts. Preference would be given to those who have not worked for a long time and this is expected to favour parties in government as it is an undisputed fact that this has not worked for quite some time.

Also under consideration in a raft of measures to combat high unemployment figures are a number of other measures including:

Extending a work experience programme for young people and graduates. This would be done by pretending.
Lending a percentage of Irish unemployment figures to Germany the day before statistics are published and then taking them back the day after
Sitting under the table in the Department of The Taoiseach with fingers in ears going "La la la la la la la la la..."
Lying

O'Dea Decides Against 'Unaffordable' Salvage Of Coalition

2009-02-23T20:36:00.003Z

It has been decided not to attempt a salvage of the Inept Coalition IV following its sinking off the northwest coast of reality last year, Minister of Defending The Indefensible Wee Willie O’Dea has announced.

Mr O’Dea said the board of Maffiana Fail had a “full discussion” on salvaging the foundered ship of state, but came to a unanimous view that a salvage operation should not be pursued, and that the time had come to lift as much spare "wonga" as they could out of what was left in the kitty, and commence a concerted programme of sensitive document shredding "...Before the inevitable".

”Spending in the region of €8 billion on a salvage effort, the outcome of which is uncertain, is something we cannot afford at this time,” the 'Minister' said.

“A real risk exists whereby more than €8 billion could be expended on a salvage effort that proves unsuccessful or, following which, the government is found to be damaged beyond repair.”

Mr O’Dea said although the Inept Coalition IV is a “well-loved and well-regarded” place to keep crooks, drunks and their enablers, it was an 11-year-old collection of Oireachtais hacks with ever-increasing maintenance costs.

“The board was of the view that governments that sink are “never the same” after restoration and are likely to have on-going maintenance problems,” he said. “The costs and risks involved in attempting to salvage and restore Inept Coalition IV are too great.”

"Scumbag Millionaire" Sweeps Boards At Oscars

2009-02-23T14:34:00.002Z

Irish eyes were smiling last night as the enormous budget independant corporate raider feelshite movie of the year Scumbag Millionaire hoovered up everything on offer at the 81st Oscar Award Ceremony above in America.

"Scumbag" as it is known to movie glitterati types recieved eight awards including Biggest Total Bastard, Best Double Books and Best Supporting Arsehole in a Culpable Role for former Financial Regulator Patrick Nearlyinjail.

Star of this classic "boom to bust" story Seanie Fitzborrowings nearly choked on someone else's dinner when the gongs kept on rolling in. "To be honest with you I only showed up to pretend to be a parking valet on the off chance of borrowing a few cars" the perma-tanned rapscallion quipped to 2irish. When it was later pointed out to loveable crim Seanie that honesty could not really be considered his strong suit, he told our reporter to "look over there!" before gathering up as much silverware as he could and running out the door yelling "Its only a loan! I'll get it back to you next tuesday!" in a reprise of one of the Oscar winning movie's best loved numbers You Gotta Pick An Economy or Two.

Pictured at the Oscars, Mr Seanie Fitzborrowings taking Bishop Desmond Danceskirt's wallet

Senior Garda Names Anglo "Golden Circle"

2009-02-21T10:18:00.007Z

Disgraced former Anglo Irish Bankheist chairman Seanie Fitzborrowings, pictured in happier times.

A senior member of the Gardai last night broke with protocol to publicly "name and shame" the 10 investors in the Anglo Irish Bankheist "Golden Circle"

Detective Superintendent Festy O'Cretin revealed exclusively to 2irish News the list of high rollers, based on his extensive investigations. They are: Mr Drivers Licence; Mr Bank Draft; Ms Hefty Unsecured-Loan; Mr F. Fail; Mr Property Speculator; Miss Tery Investor; Mr Cheque Book; Mr Robert Thubuilder; Mr Prawa Jadzy; and Mr Probablythatcrookbertie O'roneofhiscronies.

DS O'Cretin is having a big long lie-down after his strenous investigation which involved a lot of "...looking out the window" and "...thinking things up".

Formed by Michael Collins in 1922 at the time of the foundation of the Irish Free State, the Gardai were established as an organisation to foster a sense of purpose among the disaffected younger sons of farmers deemed too stupid or too sexually "normal" for the priesthood.

Andean Musician To Buy Minister Of State

2009-02-17T21:18:00.002Z

A musician from La Paz known to thousands of passersby on Grafton Street as "one of those noisy feckers with the pan-pipes" has offered a staggering €3000 for the head of West Dublin TD Conor Lenihan, brother of beleaguered Finance Minister Brian Tweedledee.

The Latin American musician told 2irish News that Conor Lenihan's head is exactly the right kind of empty gourd that he needs to fill out the bass end of his repetoire. Conor Lenihan can be played by blowing in one of his ears; different scales can be achieved by covering and uncovering the various holes on his head - the nostrils; mouth; porpoise like blowhole; and of course the other ear.

Currently Minister of State with Special Responsibility for Pissing Off Foreigners, Mr Lenihan could be followed into the music industry by other leading TDs. The Prague Symphonia is interested in leasing Mary Harney as an auditorium - and Jimmy Page of "super-combo" The Lead Zepplins has put in an offer on Environment Minister John Gormley, as he want something new and really ineffectual for his Dobermans to sodomise.

Intel Boss Says No Jobs To Go Except These Ones

2009-02-17T17:08:00.002Z

Intel CEO in Ireland Craig Barefacedliar has announced that no jobs are to go at Intel in Ireland except for the 300 jobs which Intel in Ireland announced are to go today.

Some weeks ago Mr. Barefacedliar said Intel would be shedding 1000 jobs worldwide but that no jobs in Ireland were in danger.

Mr. Barefaced Liar has now assured 2irish News that no further jobs are to go in Ireland. Unless more jobs go in Ireland. He further assured us that all the jobs currently not going would be voluntary redundancies.

A list of the volunteers will be sent to them tomorrow.

RTE News Intel cuts Irish jobs despite assurances 17/02/09

Anglo Irish Thieves Chairman Sean FitzBorrows Refusing To Appear In Front Of Dail Committee

2009-02-17T12:19:00.003Z

The former chairman of Anglo Irish Thieves, Sean FitzBorrows is refusing to appear in front of the Dáil Committee on Regulated Thievery to explain loans of millions of euro to him by Anglo Irish and by Irish Life & Purloinment. Mr Fitzborrows' spokesgoon has said that he has been advised by his lawyers not to appear before the committee to answer questions publicly as this would mean that everyone would know what had happened.

It is common practise in the world of Regulated Thievery for many millions to be moved around in this fashion according to the spokesgoon, and it is not in the interests of "anyone who matters a feck to us" to know why, when, where or how much is involved.

Early trading on the Irish Magic Bean Exchange this morning again saw heavy losses in irish Thievery Stock, following the downgrading of Ireland to "Pretty Much F*cked" by the influentital Knackered and Poor.

Sinn Fein MLA Apologises For Painting People Green

2009-02-17T12:09:00.003Z

Sinn Fein Assembly member Barry McSpraypaint has apologised for apparently endorsing gangs of youths in Tyrone who have been defacing other people by painting them green.

"It is well-known that I am opposed to symbols of British rule in Ireland, such as pink complexions," explained McSpraypaint, "But I in no way meant for the young lads to go out and paint te faces of ordinary cotizens green in response to this. I realise now that this constitutes vandalism under the rules of the Assmebly and wish to apologise unrservedly whilst at the same time saying 'In Yer Face Ye Pile Of Pasty Brits'."

A similar apology had to be made by a DUP member Sammy McElsunbed last year when it transpired that many of his constitutents, including Catholic nationalists, were being turned orange by a tanning salon in his ownership.

"McElduff Apologises..." BreakingNews.ie 17/2/09

Taxi Chaos Hits Airport

2009-02-17T12:03:00.002Z

Taxi drivers this morning began picketing Dublin Airport from 11am. Initially none of them turned up but then a thousand of them rang in saying they'd been round Cork Airport two or three times and couldn't find number 24.

The taxi drivers are protesting at the issuing of too many taxi licenses which they say is endangering their livelihood. The licensing authority rush released 12,000 licenses this morning to cope with a sudden absence of taxis in Dublin City Centre.

A separate group of drivers are also planning to march from Parnell Square to Government Building later today but there is some dispute amongst these protesters as to whether to go by the quays at that hour.

Maffianna Fail At Lowest Ever Ebb In Polls Shock

2008-11-15T19:55:00.004Z

It has been a bad week for beleaguered "Taoiseach" Brian Cowface and his alleged government - according to the latest figures released from a 2irish/F.O.A.D poll Mr Cowface is now considered to be "Lower than a cockroach's nuts" by 73% of the electorate. 17% of respondents said that they "Would not piss on him if he was on fire"; 3% thought he was "Only feckin' gorgeous" and 19% "Don't give a toss".

While Eamon Gilmore of the Smoked Salmon, Reisling and Canape Party and Enda Thepier of Fine Girl were revelling in their figures, showing them to mildly more popular than an outbreak of genital warts, Mr Cowan had further shocks in store when the poll revealed what the Irish electorate thought about another Lisbon Treaty referendum.

A massive 65% polled said that Mr Cowface could "Stick Lisbon2 up his roundy Offally hole" - while 14% felt that the present "government" would "Have difficulty getting an 08 Lexus passed in the NCT"

source 2irish/FOAD

"Taoiseach" Brian Cowface pictured relaxing between bananas.

Hope Comes To Ireland - PDs Vote To Disband

2008-11-09T19:18:00.012Z

In an emotional speech to the party faithful specially convened in a tiny grain silo outside Mullingar, Mighty Jabba The Health told delegates she believed the disbandment of the PDs was the right decision despite her own personal sadness and continuing uncommon ineptitude in her position as Health Minister.

“... this is the saddest political day for me,” she said. “Twenty-three years ago this very day, I was in Des O’Malley’s house planning the formation of a new party. It was a time of great hope and excitement and enthusiasm. No we can't"

“But today I felt compelled to speak in favour of the wind down of the Progressive Democrats. No we can't”

“I’m simply making the point that when the Progressive Democrats ceases to exist as a political party, then the Progressive Democrats are no longer a party to the current Government. No we can't. The personalities that form the government are at the discretion of the Taoiseach of the day. No we can't”

As right wing fuck-wits hugged eachother repeating the mantra "No we can't" it was left to another day to find out if another, smaller, more reactionary nazi rump can be cobbled together to affect the body politic like a disproportionately tiny yet fatal disease. The hope for us all is that Harney's "NO...we can't" rings through the ages.

As the story broke, "Taoiseach" Brian Cowface was said to be considering a new cabinet position for Mighty Jabba - Minister For Ensuring The Premature Death Of Approximately 100 42 Year Old Women In Or Around 2038. That go-getter, she is already on it. Such commitment. Such foresight. Such a useless twat.

An emotional delegate takes to the floor at the meeting where PD grassroots members voted to disband

PDs Meet To Decide Party's Future

2008-11-07T18:30:00.003Z

The membership of the Progressive Democrats will be asked at a special conference in Mullingar tomorrow to approve a change to the party's constitution allowing it to be wound up.

Party sources said this week that such a situation was never envisaged, especially once the party finally established a unified "look". The text will give power to the national executive to decide on how to bring the PDs to an end.

If the motion is carried, however, it could take several months for the process to be completed....but several months is how long many rank and file PDs have been undergoing painful skin dyeing processes. The two PD members who didn't already have pointy heads have been the subjects of ground breaking "headpointyectomy" surgery.

Jabba the Health is said to be delighted at the prospect of the meeting, as it will be catered.

Grassroots PD members gather ahead of the meeting to wind up the party

Obama Landslide - McCain Gracious In Defeat, Palin Insane - BUSH ISOLATED

2008-11-05T09:09:00.002Z

Our picture says it all.....

"Manuel" Bullying Phone Calls - LenihanTo Resign, Cowan To Be Suspended, Pig To Fly

2008-10-30T23:41:00.004Z

"Que?" - The alleged victim of the abusive calls

Two of the country's leading clowns were in hot water today after making threatening phone calls to an elderly actor teasing him about his medical card and generally abusing him.

At one point during the tirade of telephone abuse Cowan, the country's top paid comedian suggests "When we're finished with you, Lennie [sic] can fuck your grand-daughter's education"

Lenihan, the lesser of the two idiots may resign while Cowan, highly remunerated star of the long running TV farce Oireachtais Report may be suspended if anyone can be found who actually gives a bollix

MoD Releases Papers On 1991 Smiling Unionist Sighting

2008-10-21T00:51:00.003+01:00

Dateline London: The British Ministry of Defence has released for the first time details of a sighting of a smiling Unionist in Northern Ireland during the early nineties - the disclosures, made under the Freedom Of Guff & Bollocks Act of 1997 are described as "significant"*

The blurred photo accompanying the report into the 1991 sighting hints at a possible, ambiguous smirk. "Like the mysterious smirk of 'La Gioconda', only on the face of a right Hun, hai" according to Jackson Twittle, an independent researcher into the para-normal based in Northern Ireland.

"Perhaps the effect is the result of high altitude gamma radiation reflecting at the just the right moment on the camera lens, ther hai" Mr Twittle told 2irish News from the box room of his elderly mother's home in Newry. If that is the case, Twittle concedes that the photo must be a fake. "Its just possible though, that the camera picked up a flicker of satisfaction at the thought of them homosexuals ther nai, nationalists, catholics and the like having a good old burn in hell; and if thats the case, this information is one in a million, hai".

* "significant" only when used in the context of "significant when we need something to fill a couple of paragraphs"

Harney Drinks Petrol - Pisses All Over Bonfire

2008-10-18T15:45:00.002+01:00

Despite last night's offer of a compromise in the row over medical cards by the Taoiseach Brian Cowface, the fallout from the plan to bring in means tests for people aged over 70 years rages on.

Mr Cowbreath last night offered to engage in talks with the medical profession to establish if the "Government's" scheme could be modified.

However the Mighty Jabba The Health today said the Government would not change its collective "hive-mind" on its decision to abolish the right to a medical card for people over 70.

Speaking on RTÉ Radio's Marian Hackingcough programme, Mighty Jabba said the Government had not made the decision “blindly”.

Quaffing petrol, kerosene, vodka and other accelerant fluids, Jabba told Ms Hackingcough “ Skeemo latha kwan andro lappy canna oh pu oh ho ho ho ho ho" her rat-like translator puppy Drumm of G'Narrth told listeners that Jabba had said "Mighty Jabba does not think that beings like her should get the medical card for example. The automatic right to a medical card for the over 70s regardless of their means has been removed. The Government will not be changing that decision...oh ho ho ho ho ho”.

As Taoiseach Cowbrain danced around the conflagration threatening to engulf his administration, Jabba released a strong steady stream of Hutt urine laced with flammable liquid. Four ladders of the Dublin Jedi were called in to help dampen the flames but in the end they resisted the pleas for aid.

Dublin's Chief Jedi, Bernard Yoda told 2irish News that "Uncertain the future is - clouded. But most likely fucked they are. Coalition. The. Fucked. Yes".

US Presidential Debate Analysis

2008-10-16T13:27:00.003+01:00

In a move to woo younger voters away from his opponent Barack Obama, a desperate John McCain (main picture) "body pop dances" onto the stage for last night's televised Candidates' Debate. Mr McCain continued in this ill advised vein throughout the debate, continually referring to his wife Cindy only as "Me poontang".
His running mate Sarah Palin he described as "Just the kinda whacked out crazy bi-atch that the hood needs right now y'all"; he also made continual reference to Mrs Palin's "rack".
In a special message to Iranian President Armoureddinnerjacket, Mr McCain gravely warned that he would "Like to pop a cap in that motherfucker's ass" and stated that he would not rest until "That mutha's hoes is weepin fo' his ass"

Harney Echoes Calls For HSE Senior Management Pay Cut

2008-10-15T18:46:00.006+01:00

Mighty Jabba The Health has added her ululation to the call for senior management in the Health "Service" Executive to follow their betters in government to a ten percent paycut perc*nt.

She denied that there was anything underhand, underclaw or undertentacle about the fact that the pay cut would not be reflected in the massive pensions due to the cabinet or senior civil servants.

Eating a reporter from Newstalk 106, Mighty Jabba said "Ennolie skwanna paff hattha carbonite meyo loki canna waardhu oh ho-ho-ho-ho" which ran through the Department of Foreign Affairs protocol droid, and was translated as "Look. We have done nothing but funnel huge sums into the health service. I see no reason whatever to freeze my pension in carbonite to please those insignificant little people...what are they called again? Oh yes...voters oh ho-ho-ho-ho"

Mighty Jabba, Queen of All Pies and OverMaiden of Drumm the Incompetent of G'Naarth, declined to comment on her coming downgrading from "That Useless Wasteful Progressive Democrat C*nt Harney" to the more informal "That Useless Wasteful Independent C*nt Harney"

The search for the last of the Progressive Democrats continues. A bounty of 12 K'Laatus has been offered by the Jedi Council to "..eradicate their kind for good and all"

Budget D-Day ....New Moron, New Tactics

2008-10-14T11:52:00.009+01:00

The Minister For Moving Around Vast Amounts Of Debt today puts his first budget before the Dail in an attempt to cover up the mismanagement of the State Coffers over the past ten years or so of Maffianna Fail "government".

Mr Lendusafiver proposes to replace the so called "Spend Like A Pissed Bricklayer In London" economic model with a new plan called simply "Boo!"

"Boo!" involves creeping up behind small amounts of debt that have broken away from or otherwise become separated from the bulk of the global credit crunch, and having crept stealthily up, being quite suddenly and unexpectedly scary - perhaps saying "Boo!" or "Feck Off With Ye Now!".

Its worth a shot I suppose....

The Minister for Fincancial Hijinks demonstrates the correct way to creep up on debt before going "Boo!"

KIM JONG ILL

2008-10-12T01:30:00.003+01:00

...So America called off hostilities apparently. Meanwhile in Washington DC, the US Charlatan in Chief George W. Bush called for the world to unite against the global financial crisis.

Launching the "War On No Money" Mr Bush told a sleeping member of the Washington press corps and a dog that "Frr too long...the wrrrrld hzz hd too much mmnny but now...its gnn - we hv to unat...gainst pvvvrty...like that Irish fella in th sn gllassess sez 'bout th strvin drrrkies...whats his name 'gain? oh yeh...tht cnt Bono"

Mr Bush's proposal is that a coalition of crooked free marketeers will bomb the credit crunch into submission. "Peeple will die but thts ok...prrrmurrilly cz its th will uf the Lrrrd...but mainly cz ahm nt one of em" he said.

Arse Falls Out Of Arse Market

2008-10-07T10:54:00.004+01:00

The arse has fallen out of the international Arse markets this morning as reaction to the reaction continues. Leading Arse trader in Dublin, Kevin O'Buggernotagain, explained that the overabundance of arse has led to a glut with the Universal Non-adjusted Bespoke End-aware Light and Industrial Euro-corrected Validatable Escalated Arse Balance (Low End) (UNBELIEVEAB(LE)) bottoming out at 2% of it's previous high reached last year during the rush to Arse as traders sought to deny reality.

"There's so much Arse out there you can't sell in the current market," he sobbed as he plummeted to the hard, cold sidewalk below.

Trading in the controversial US Arse Futures market was suspended yesterday and will remain suspended until it becomes certain that Sarah Palin will be fecking off back to Alaska.

Meanwhile the Irish Government has moved to guarantee Irish Arse deposits.

"The state will ensure that there is more than sufficient Arse in Ireland well into the next decade," promised Minister Of State for Whatever, Sharon O'Pleasegiveusabreak.

Irish Deposits To Be Guaranteed By The Little People

2008-09-30T10:11:00.005+01:00

MINISTER FOR FINANCE, BRIAN LENDUSAHAND

The Minister For Finance, Brian Lendusahand, has moved swiftly this morning, tripped over the family legacy and recovered nimbly in time to reassure Irish businesses and other depositors that all deposits in Irish banks will be guaranteed for two years from today.

"There is no need for panic", he announced, causing the ISEQ to go into a wild tailspin when trading opened this morning.

"This is terrible news", said a trader George Sixtyadayandrising. "We knew things were bad, but this information from the government regarding the need to panic has scared the shite out of us altogether".

Mr Lendahand has announced a Squillion Euro to be earmarked to guarantee deposits in the major Irish banking institutions including The Big Irish Bank, The Other Big Irish Bank and the troubled The Not Quite As Big As Last Thursday Irish Bank.

Mr Lendusahand said the government is confident that with prudent fiscal policy and continued shrewd investment in the right kind of magic beans, the Irish economy can be competitive with growth expected to resume in 2009, or if not then some other time.

The guarantee is backed by a large pot of gold at the end of a state-run rainbow in a secret location in Leitrim. Following his statement to the press, Mr Lendusahand did not take questions from the media, instead crying out "Ye'll never get me gold, ye spalpeens!" before donning a green hat and comedy red beard and disappearing in the twinkling of eye.

"Radical Or Redundant" PD's Face Political Dustbin

2008-09-16T23:56:00.002+01:00

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. HA HA HAH! Aaaaaa-HA ha ha ha ha HAH! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah...oh it hurts. Ha ha hah ah ha ha ha ha ha. Stop it...please....ha ha ha ha ha.....wankers...ha hahh hah hah ha ha ha....ha

A recent photo of former PD Leader Michael McTool

Gamers Call For Crackdown On Glamorisation Of Bishops

2008-06-06T10:27:00.002+01:00

A video gamers’ advisory group has called for a ban on news reports that glamorise the clergy's attempt to tackle rising levels of violence in society.

The group also wants the Government to promote family-friendly work practices and provide support for the introduction of an annual popular "Kick-A-Monsignor" event to help create a more stable home life for the country’s young.

A report by the Gamers’ Commission for Justice and Social Affairs expresses concern about the increase in serious coverage of the prattling of the clergy who are, lets face it, wholesale purveyors of made-up nonsense that should have stopped scaring anybody but the very old and very young sometime around the invention of the steam engine.

Bishops have meanwhile expressed their concern over one-parent families , families where both parents work, and long commutes that keep parents out of the home longer. Perhaps if god were real, he could do something about this but....

Bravely pointing at pictures of a prominent Judean victim of violent Romans, the bishops warned against the scenario where a lack of parental involvement means “children are being educated by television” and said: “The family is one of the key protections against the fragmentation of society in which violence thrives. Please give us money for our silencing victims of abuse fund - oh no I mean...for the roof. Yes....roof”

Picture of the victim of Roman violence released by Judean Gardai - anyone with information leading to the apprehension of members of the so called "Pilate-Gang" should contact the Special Incident Room at Nazareth on 1800 HO-ZA-NAH

Half-Irish Prodigy (8) Secures College Place

2008-05-21T00:04:00.004+01:00

Picture caption: A UCD Student

An eight year old half Irish/half Malay prodigy has set a new world record having just secured his place in a third-level college.

The genius was the youngest person ever to have passed an O level, and in doing so won a place in the Singapore book of records.

The chemistry child prodigy has entered Singapore Polytechnic to become the youngest student ever to attend a third-level course anywhere in the world.

The child's precocious intellect comes as no surprise to Professor Ryan Bigot of Galway IT's chair of Advanced Claiming Kudos For The Most Tentative of Genetic Links.

“This boy is clearly a genius" Professor Bigot told 2irish News. "He is already academically fifty to a million times cleverer than any snot nosed imperialist Brit brat"

Professor Bigot did have some reservations however: "I'm told the little fecker's parents are a Malayan fella (whatever THAT is), and a beautiful lady who is an Irish passport holder with Mayo roots - its a pity the mammy didn't find an Irish father. Then the young fella in question would be a Doctor by the age of three... but I suppose all of the pure Irish sperms is already studying above at UCD in any case" he said, before collapsing in a hastily expelled pool of his own vomit and accusing the floor of being a blow-in and also of stealing his wife's job.

Biffo Announces Junior Ministry Places

2008-05-13T15:33:00.004+01:00

Altogether now....Awwwwwwwwwwwww. Wook at the wittle tiny wittle cwiminals and incompetents. Ooooey oooey oooey - oooz a big junior minister den?

At Last, Ceann Comhairle Punched

2008-05-12T15:24:00.006+01:00

Ceann Comhairle John O’Donoghue, home in his Kerry constituency for the weekend, got more than he bargained for when he went to the races on sunday

Mr O’Donoghue was attacked by an angry punter after the first race at the opening day of the May meeting of the Killarney races.

He received a series of blows to the back of the head. A man was later arrested. It is understood the man, believed to be from Co Cork, was singled out by gardai from the size of his grin, and detained at Killarney Garda Station last night.

Mr O’Donoghue was in the public area near the viewing stand when he was approached from behind. This is easily done. His vision is limited but his sense of smell - the Ceann Comhairle's chief weapon in the wild - is rendered useless if he is crept up upon downwind. Gardaí and several jackals were quickly on the scene. The man was held on suspicion of assault causing harm to a TD, and not bribing him adequately.

One witness, between bouts of laughter, described the punches as "... quite... forceful".

It is understood the man being detained was not known to Mr O’Donoghue, but may have had a grievance against him as a former justice minister, a member of Maffianna Fail, a TD, for not being from Cork, whatever you're having yourself, take your pick.

The Ceann Comhairle remained at the races, but complained of a redness in the head and neck area.

This neckly "redness" is thought to be a pre-existing condition unrelated to the attack.

picture caption: The Ceann Comhairle relaxing at home

Cowan's New Look Cabinet

2008-05-10T16:11:00.004+01:00

Lookers; beauts and babes one and all non?

Brennan Quits On Health Grounds

2008-05-07T01:05:00.002+01:00

One of the Government’s longest serving ministers resigned from the Cabinet last night.

Seamus Brennan has stepped down as Minister for Arts, Sports and Tourism, on grounds of health.

It was expected that PD cabinet minister Mary Harney would reciprocally announce her decision to step down from Health on grounds of arts, sports and tourism, but she got breathless walking to the podium and had to have a little lie down.

In a letter to Taoiseach-in-waiting Brian Cowface, Mr Brennan asked not to be considered for a position in his new Cabinet line-up which will be revealed tomorrow.

His resignation was accepted by Mr Cowen, who was until last night utterly unaware that Seanus Brennan was in the cabinet room, owing it is said to Brennan's extreme "wee-ness" almost on a par with that of the fairy folk, who first elected him to Dail Eireann in 1981.

Gardai To Probe Megalomaniac

2008-05-06T14:49:00.005+01:00

Sources close to the Garda Commisioner, Garda Festy Seniorgarda, have hinted that they may be about to launch a wide ranging probe into the activities of a Drumcondra man who kept the country locked up in the dark for 11 years while he fathered innumerable lies and pretended to run things.

The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was last seen entering the home of Phoenix Park resident Mary McAleese begging permission to pass the buck.

In other news, a large culchie has been spotted promising high earning jobs to his friends in Leinster House.

The lie filled plot thickens. Welcome to Ireland. Get a receipt.

Taoiseach Evacuated From US Hotel Amid Fire Alert

2008-04-30T17:59:00.003+01:00

Disgraced Taoiseach, Bunty Ahem was evacuated from his hotel in Washington after a fire alarm went off in the early hours of this morning.

Mr Ahem was in Washington ahead of his address to the joint houses of the US Lying Fuckwits earlier this afternoon.

He was whisked away from the Mayflower Hotel by US secret service agents this morning after the fire alarm was activated - the fire was believed to have originated in his pants.

His daughter and sister also had to leave the city centre building but this was thought to be because there was nobody to touch for money on his behalf.

Hotel guests were out for at least half an hour before the building was declared safe for people to open their wallets in.

Bunty Ahem later addressed the Joint Houses of Lying Fuckwits, where it was reported that he felt "right at home" after being introduced as "Berdie AyHern" by Speaker of the House "Nancy Peee-lowsi".

Non-entity To Lead Progressive Democrats

2008-04-17T17:41:00.003+01:00

Senator Political Non-entity has been appointed the new leader of the Progressive Democrats, it was announced today.

He narrowly beat fellow Senator Fiona O’Lso-ran, daughter of party founder Des O’Lso-ran, with 51% to 49% of the three available so called 'real' votes. A total of 3900 imaginary party members were eligible to vote.

The 42-year-old Co Galway native will replace acting leader Jabba the Health who took over after former Justice Minister Dracula McUnhinged lost his Dáil seat last May.

“Mr Flying Dragon, the Returning Officer from the Never Ending Story, announced the result to the Chairman of the Progressive Democrats Flopsy Cottontail as the count ended in early hours of this morning,” a party spokesman Mr Snuffleupagus said.

The counting of votes had commenced on Wednesday night at the party’s 'offices' in Ranelagh in Dublin, in between breaks to allow residents of a nearby bedsit into the 'offices' to phone their mother in Lithuania

Mr Flying Dragon declared that Senator Non-entity had won the election and was deemed to be the ideal new leader of the Progressive Democrats.

New Shell Pipeline Will "Slash Village In Half"

2008-04-17T17:28:00.002+01:00

A small village at the centre of the Corrib gas controversy will be sliced in half by the newly-proposed pipeline route, campaigners claimed today.

"Its terrible altogether" said one of the people from the small village in question who was dressed as a construction worker. "With the village cut in half, meself and the fella dressed as a red indian will be stuck here beside Festy's Costcutter while the traffic cop will be on the other side of town with the soldier and the cowboy; its a tragedy" he told 2irish News

Asked where the one dressed as a sado-mashochist leather joy-boy was, the weeping construction worker looked baffled and said "Him? sure he's out 'cruising' I suppose, mister feckin' fancy pants so he is".

A spokesman for oil giant Shell declined to comment but did admit that it was in all likelihood fun to stay at the YMCA.

Dáil Pays Tribute To Late President

2008-04-15T20:18:00.004+01:00

The death of former President Dr Patrick Hillery was an end of a political age, the Dáil heard tonight.

Paying tribute to the late Maffianna Fáil man, political colleagues and opponents remembered one of the most important and influential figures in public life for almost 40 years, meeting at the Oireachtas for expressions of sympathy on his passing.

Discredited Taoiseach Bunty Ahem said the occasion was a final tribute to Paddy Hillery as "...one of this House’s finest sons".

Mr Ahem said Dr Hillery gave outstanding and unrivalled service to the State and to the Irish people. “Paddy Hillery defined loyalty,” he said, continuing
“He embodied integrity. He was both clever and wise. Not like a member of this party at all really.”

No. He didn't say that. But it would have been nice if he had

Ahem And O'Dea Launch National Emergency Plan

2008-04-14T21:08:00.003+01:00

The government has spent €2m on reassuring the nation that it has a bit of a plan to cope with any upcoming major national disasters not involving an Irish sports team.

The Irish Task Force on Emergency Planning was immediately, hastily and urgently set up with as much speed as humanly possible, after the Twin Tower attacks in September 2001, and finally today its Chairperson and Official Village Idiot For Limerick Willie O'Dea invited members of the media to inspect the command centre which has been established in such an unprecedented breakneck rush at the Department of Agriculture headquarters on Dublin's Kildare street.

Senior members of the Army, Garda chiefs, veterinary experts and meteorologists will gather at the nerve centre to formulate a strategy in the event of a natural disaster, chemical or nuclear incidents, if a cute puppy goes lame, or a pandemic, or if the weather looks like it might begin to get a bit breezy.

How the country coped with the outbreak of foot and mouth disease in the past is being cited as an example of how such a co-ordinated response can be a success - it seems likely though to be ineffective if diseased cows ever comandeer commercial airliners to publicise their grievances.

Booklets advising the public on what measures to take are to be posted to every house in the country and in short the advice is "stay inside, and tune into radio and tv channels". Based on this advice it appears that the government plan for us all to be bored to death before anything solid has be done to tackle any emergency.

According to Willie O'Dea, the survey showed large scale rail or disasters topped the list of national concerns, with the threat of a fresh british, norman or viking invasion down the list.

A website kissyourholeslanleat.ie has been established to provide further information to the public who are being urged to familiarise themselves with the measures in place.

Chinese, Polish and Russian explanations of the plans have also been drafted, but are believed to have been edited to remove the piece of advice stating "In the event of a biological attack or nuclear alert, stun nearby chinese, russian or polish nationals and use them to block air leaks around your home's doors and windows"

The booklet "Preparing for Major Emergencies" with a chapter on 'escape strategies' was launched by discredited Taoiseach Bunty Ahem.

Cork Fine Gael MEP Believes 'Bazzer-Makers' Are Key To Yes Vote For Lisbon Treaty

2008-04-14T11:00:00.003+01:00

AN IRISH MEP has come up with a 'stylish' plan to raise awareness of the Lisbon Treaty.

Fine Gael MEP Colm Fullacrap believes the best way to enable a 'yes' vote in the treaty is to distribute information about the treaty is by sending leaflets to hairdressers. The idea came to him while visiting Crimpers Unisex Bazzers in his hometown of Cork.

“De bazzerina told me she was voting no to the Lisbon Treaty like because it would bring in a new regime about the number of children she could have like, and how they would speak and everyting like” said Mr Fullacrap.

“I was amazed at the extent of this misinformation like which is almost as good as the misinformation that we are spinning to ensure a yes vote like" the bloated Brussellian opined, continuing: "I decided something had to be done to let people know the facts like. What better place than a bazzerria?"

“Everyone visits one and usually fights about de X factor like, or reads a magazine or whatever is lying around while they are waiting to have their bazzer like,” said Mr Fullacrap.

Asked about how this approach would reach out to the bald, Mr Fullacrap chortled "The bald is all scheduled to be shot and ground up into fishmeal like under EU Directive # 314769/8 like" He then blanched slightly before concluding "...ahh feck! I have said too much...I mean...We need to make sure that they are well informed and have all the facts when they are chatting to the 'bazzered', is what I meant like”.

God Apologises For Taoiseach Plane Lightening Strike

2008-04-11T10:03:00.003+01:00

Lightening hurled by a wrathful Creator struck a plane carrying the Outgoing Taoiseach, Bunty Ahem and a group of state minions as it landed in Belfast. The Taoiseach and the lads were attending a conference in Belfast marking the 10th anniversary of the time the Taoiseach sorted out the problems in Northern Ireland. The achievements of the Taoiseach are all the more remarkable in that he was at the time busy creating the Celtic Tiger. He was also largely responsible for Manchester United's footballing success around that period and made the grass and trees grow with his very breath.

It was only a matter of time before he stepped on God's toes and the Almighty this morning admitted to being "irritated beyond belief" by the Taoiseach's omnipotence. The Divine Entity hurled lightening at the small aircraft as it landed. The occupants of the plane were said to be "unhurt" and later appeared waving flags and yelling "In your face, Lord" at the sky outside a popular Belfast nightclub.

"I'm heartily sorry for these my wrongdoings", said God this morning. "I don't know how it happened. I promise I'll make it count next time".

Irish Team Will Not Boycott Olympic Opening Ceremony in China

2008-04-10T11:57:00.004+01:00

The President of the Olympic Council of Ireland, Jimmy O'Comeslast, has said that the Irish team won't be boycotting the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games in Beijing.

"If it's good enough for the Dalai Lama, it's good enough for us," declared Mr. O'Comeslast on an obscure radio show broadcast in the morning in Ireland this morning in Ireland. Tibet's spiritual leader, an acknowledged master of the luge, has controversially supported the games being hosted in China. It is even rumoured that the Dalai Lama himself will carry the flag for Tibet despite the certainty of being shot as a result.

Mr. O'Comeslast insists that the Irish team will parade round the track with the other Olympians. "Let's face it, some of the major nations are slow paraders. It's their Achilles heel and one of our best chances of winning a gold medal. Ireland has long been of Olympic marching standard and we're not about to blow it now over a few million disappearing dissidents in Chinaland".

The Irish team has ordered it's minicab and is waiting at the top of the road with it's bag and a discus.

Charlton Heston Dies Aged 84

2008-04-07T16:16:00.003+01:00

SCREEN LEGEND Charlton 'Chuck' Heston has died aged 84. Doctors fought for eighteen hours, but are reported to have been unable to prise his gun from his cold, dead fingers.

Heston's long time nemesis General Urco told reporters "Humans are puny liars" before galloping off on his horse eating a banana.

Dodgy Business As Usual! Monstrous-Cretin Brought Back Into FF Fold

2008-04-04T15:47:00.006+01:00

BEVERLY Monstrous-Cretin, discredited daughter of discredited former EU Commissioner Padraig Cretin has been dramatically readmitted to Maffianna Fáil on the request of discredited outgoing Taoiseach Bunty Ahem.

The request was made on the same day that the discredited Taoiseach lashed out at the Mahon Tribunal for "lowlife stuff"; or put another way, the questioning of Mr Ahem's former secretary about her part in lodging large inexplicable sterling cash payments into his building society account[s] ultimately leading to Mr Ahem's dramatic resignation. "I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those pesky kids" Mr Ahem added.

"Lowlife stuff" indeed. It is a remarkable return for Ms Monstrous-Cretin, who was supporting the Government as an Independent TD. Her dismissal from the Maffianna Fail party followed earlier corruption investigations after it emerged that Ms Monstrous-Cretin had assisted clients to evade tax while working at National Irish Bank.

As a result, the Mayo TD had been thrown out of the party in 2004 following her failed libel action against the alleged broadcasting organisation RTÉ.

It seems that Maffianna Fail has a quota of lowlives which must be maintained - Mr Ahem appears determined that he hands a full barrell of rotten apples over to incoming party leader Brian 'Mr Charisma' Cowface next wednesday

Brian Cowface as Party Leader (artist's impression)

Minister Promises "The Sick Will Walk"....To Another Region For Treatment

2008-04-04T15:28:00.000+01:00

Local TDs in Co Louth, who had expected that a new hospital planned for the north-east of the country would be built at Ardee or Drogheda, are angry at the news that it will apparently be located in Navan instead.

However, Minister For Dealing With Foreign Fellas Dermot Ahern has moved to allay their concerns. Mr Ahern says there is no money available for the project, regardless of its location.

It seems that what with the profligate waste of exchequer funds over the good times (The 'Bertie-Bowl'; PPARS; PULSE to name but a few) that there is now no money left in the country for any kind of payment from anyone to anyone. Suddenly, reasons for Bunty Ahem's resignation come into sharper relief.

In other news, a brown envelope factory on the border is due to close due to lack of funds

Analysis - Ahern Resignation Statement In Full

2008-04-02T11:58:00.007+01:00

It was an emotional scene - Bunty Ahem surrounded by supporters from his cabinet, treated reporters on the plinth at Leinster House to a bizzarre 14 minute tirade against his detractors and Sir Paul McCartney.

Describing his marriage to the former Beatle as "ground breaking" and "tempestou...tempe, tmptrsu....rocky" the Taoiseach also reminded his audience that he had helped Sir Paul through a dark patch in his career and had helped him write songs, among them 'Money (thats what I crave)', 'You Never Give Me Your Money (thats what to tell the police)' and 'Silly Testimony'

His voice breaking at times, Ahem then took credit for the northern Irish peace process, the discovery of powered flight, the pacification of unruly chickens in the late 1980's and the final conclusive solution for pi. "I done nothing wrong" he said. Echoing the Shakespearean references made by his former boss Charlie Haughey on the occasion of his resignation in the early 1990's Mr Ahem said "In de words of dat jewish fella in de Merchant of Ennis 'Am I not a bleedin prick?'"

As the Leader of the Green As We're Cabbage Looking party John Treehugger stood behind him calculating the environmental impact of so much hot air, Mr Ahem's own party colleagues' faces perhaps betrayed their own feelings on the resignation announcement. Annointed 'Taoiseach in waiting' Brian Cowface appeared to be contemplating the poisoned chalice; Justice Minister Brian Lenihan seemed to be trying to remember where he had parked his Merc, and cabinet idiot Martin 'Work on Your E-voting Fiasco' Cullen looked proud that he could remember so many of the words to the 'Green Cross Code' song made famous by television's Judge.

...and so, as the captain of the ship of state begins his last long slide into ordinary criminality, a proud nation says piss off. Piss off. You bollix

NEWSFLASH: Bunthy Ahem To Resign Eventually

2008-04-02T11:04:00.002+01:00

In a passionate speech just now an angry Bunty Ahem explained that he will resign in May. This is to allow time to wind up the entire population just that last little bit before Mr Ahem finally fecks off.

Zimbabwe President Robsland Mugsbabies has expressed his deep regret that the Taoiseach is caving in. "I don't understnad it," he lamented "He hasn't even razed a single building to the ground and already he is giving up. He is not the Big Man I took him for".

NEWSFLASH: Bunty Ahem To Resign

2008-04-02T11:03:00.001+01:00

The Taoiseach of Ireland has called a snap conference where he is expected to announce his shock resignation. Apparently the Threshold Of Disbelief, once thought to be pure mythology, has been discovered.

Run Off Expected In Zimbabwe election

2008-04-02T09:10:00.004+01:00

Reports from the official government news agency suggest that the results of the presidential election there are too close to call in favour of the current president Mr. Robsland Mugsbabies. Mr. Mugsbabies is being run close by opposition candidate Mr. Anyonebutmugabe. Mr. Anyonebutmugabe has polled more votes than Mugsbabies, but has not achieved the require 101% of the vote to oust the sitting leader.

2irish News has been banned from reporting from inside Zimbabwe but our sources has said that there is no evidence of the result being tampered with by Mugsbabies' party. "Naturally I'm concerned at reports of intimidation, fake voter lists and widespread use of The Evil Arts by the government," admitted our source who asked not to be identified as Mugsbabies' driver, Batty O'Toole, "But ultimately the actual outcome of the election is surely a matter for the Mahon Tribunal rather than being at the mercy of some jumped up factual information and simple mathematics".

In the event of a close result there will be a run off between the two highest-placed candidates. Each candidate will have to run through a tunnel of fire and swim underwater without surfacing for twelve hours before wrestling with an enraged bull elephant in a Harare shopping mall. The candidate who survives the ordeal will be deemed elected and his surplus put toward his total in the next election.

Sitting presidents are exempt from fire, water and elephant wrestling under a law passed yesterday evening.

10% Of Irish Children Obese Claims UCG Professor

2008-04-01T00:21:00.002+01:00

Professor Ryan Bigot, Professor of Violent & Painful History and Senior Lecturer in Comparative Lard at UCG, claims the results of a new study prove 10% of Irish Children are obese.

Professor Ryan conducted the study himself and details of how he weighed 432 children from Spiodal are to be published in his forthcoming book "How The Brits Are Trying To Kill Us With Monounsaturated Fat".

"It's an obvious plot by Missie Britannia to weigh down the manhood and the girlhood, if you please, of Ireland," explained Professor Bigot from his office in a hollowed out potato earlier today. "That Gary Lineker with his Foreign Crisps is at the forefront of it; but he's not alone. That hussy Nigella Lawson with her impure predisposition to smearing butter over the dinner, then over the guests and then over herself is totally corrupting in every way I can feverishly imagine in the cold winter nights...."

Professor Bigot's methods, including his claim that he can estimate the weight of individual children by observing them in large groups at events such as The All Ireland Hurling Final, having a guess and then dividing by 11,000, have been criticised by some experts. They are also opposed to his suggestion that it wouldn't do any of the youngsters today a bit of harm to loose some weight in blood spilt fighting for Ireland.

Support for the Professor came in a statement provided by Bigot which he attributes to the man who played Captain Birdseye and which says "I'm an actor and Bigot is dead right". 2irish News tried to verify that the statement was genuine but has so far not succeeded in contacting the actor in question.

Coughlan Refuses To Acknowledge Presence of Elephant

2008-03-31T21:25:00.004+01:00

A SENIOR Fianna Fáil minister last night joined the overwhelming ranks of FF frontbenchers when she too refused to say whether she noticed a huge elephant in a room.

Agriculture Minister Mary Coughlan ducked the question "Do you see the elephant Minister Coughlan?" which was repeatedly put to her, saying: “It’s not a matter for me whether or not there is or isn't a pachyderm in or out of any room.”

The lukewarm response highlighted unease in the party as Maffianna Fail dropped in the latest opinion poll ahead of a tumultuous political week that sees Bunty Ahem take the Mahon Tribunal to the High Court, where he will plead Dail privilege before he is expected to come under heavy Dáil fire on Wednesday when he is expected to repeat his mantra that he cannot discuss matters before the tribunal in the Dail.

Labour leader Eamon Almostrabbitte seized on Ms Coughlan’s reluctance to see the enormous wrinkled grey mammal, by urging her and other Cosa Nostra ministers to tell Mr Ahem to step down.

“She should go privately to the Taoiseach and tell him there is an elephant in the room; the game is up, this is the end of the line and he should resign. The only statement we need from the Taoiseach is a statement of his resignation, over the elephant issue” Mr Almostrabbitte told 2irish News.

Despite being asked five times if she noticed the elephant's existence, Ms Coughlan would only say Mr Ahem retained her full confidence, and she thought elephants were nice "in a Dumbo sense".

Mr Ahem remains under intense pressure to deliver a convincing explanation to the Dáil over the elephant in the room after last week's call by coalition partners PD Leader Jabba the Health Service and Eamon Treehugger of the Green As We're Cabbage Looking Party.

It appeared last week that Mighty Jabba and Mr Treehugger had caught a fleeting glimpse of the elephant in the room following the damning testimony of Mr Ahem's former secretary delivered to the Mahon Tribunal in recent weeks.

Alas, the elephant soon receded from even their highly developed political view and was last seen by everybody else, wasting away, unacknowledged, unavenged. In a sense that is the way it should be: perhaps in the words of hysterical, strident Maffianna Fail Senator M-m-m-martin A-a-a-rsehole, we should never "...question our betters"

Captain Birdseye Actor Dies

2008-03-30T20:39:00.000+01:00

The actor who won worldwide fame playing Captain Birdseye in the long-running fish finger TV commercials has died at the age of 84.

In an ironic move, he is expected to be buried at sea in a crispy crumb coating.

Ahem Set To Pen Another Enthralling Tale On Tribunal Contradictions

2008-03-29T13:11:00.003Z

Top girlie sob sob writer Buntelia Ahem is reportedly setting he/her/it's next compelling sick-lit offering around a crucial Dáil statement in which an innocent man spins career saving yarns in an effort to dispel growing concern about contradictions in evidence at the Mahon Tribunal.

'PS I've Been Screwing You' is the latest novel from this budding story teller and Taoiseach who has also made headlines with previous stories in the truth defying 'Testimony At Mahon' series, like 'It Was Only A Dig Out', 'My Dead Solicitor Done It' and 'I Was Going Though A Separation' to name but three of thousands of pitiable fibs.

The accolade winning story teller has been talking complete bollox for over twenty years. Asked if there was any chance at all that the muse might leave him/her/it, Buntelia looked stern and hastily blamed dead people for whatever it was, before leaving someone else with the bill and storming off.

Buntelia Ahem has often been compared to the British politician and 'novelist' Jeffrey Archer. This is patent nonsense. In Britain they jail corrupt liars.

Sex Pistols in Ireland "Represents Major Cultural Moment" - Leading 'Pop' Economist

2008-03-29T11:43:00.010Z

'Pop' Economist and best selling author, lets call him; Ginger Makes Up Ludicrous Names For Capriciously Picked Social Sub-Groups Which Will Tend To Back Up My Theory, has told 2irish News this morning that: "The performance of The Sex Pistols at this year's Electric Picnic Festival in County Laois represents a major cultural moment in the manifest crossroads jargon-speakwise...eh...paradigm ".

It's their first ever performance in Ireland and the author credited with coining the phrases 'Celtic Tiger', 'Mickey Bignutts' and 'Wang' is also set to appear himself in the 'Rant' Tent for the second time at the major midlands event this August.

"The upcoming gig, lets call it a post modern 'Electric Ceilidh' with Johnny Rotten, who I call 'Johnny Sticks Nappypins In His Face And Urinates On The Front Row', marks Ireland, lets call her 'Cathleen Ni JIVE-aheann', and her coming of age in a relentless economic 'cooling off' which we could call 'being completely fucked'.

Our reporter chewed his own arm off in his attempt to escape from this senseless and entirely random interview which took place when Mr Makes Up Ludicrous Names For Capriciously Picked Social Sub-Groups Which Will Tend To Back Up My Theory grabbed a relentless hold of him at the Luas stop in Middle Abbey Street, but sadly despite his valiant attempt to flee, he passed away from the resultant loss of blood.

Cowface’s Brother Makes €100k Tax Settlement, and Cowface Look Stupid

2008-03-29T03:41:00.001Z

THE publican brother of Finance Minister Brian Cowface has made a settlement with the Revenue Commissioners of almost €100,000 for not paying VAT or income tax.

Christopher Cowface, a Co Offaly publican made the settlement after an audit of his business. He paid the Revenue €61,395 in owed income tax and VAT and a further €34,956 in interest and penalties (€96,351 in total).

Mr Cowface, acting Taoiseach and Cosa Nostra Leader, said last night he had no involvement in the business, and that it was unfair of the media to pay greater attention to his brother’s “revenue difficulties” because of his position in government.

Brian Cowface is no stranger to controversy regarding dodgy tax dealings by associates. He is a self confessed member of Maffiana Fail, who has in the past objected to his unfair nickname B.I.F.F.O (Big Ignorant F#*ker From Offally).

“I know from him that he gave full co-operation during the Revenue audit and I understand that these matters have now been resolved,” said the minister. Confused as to who he was referring to journalists asked Mr Cowface if he meant doomed Taoiseach Bunty Ahem or his brother Christopher

"Feck off with yourself now" mooed Mr Cowface, the leading B.U.F.F.A.L.O (Big Ugly F#*ker From Around Laois-Offally)

Details of the settlement were published in the quarterly list of Revenue defaulters (also known as the FF grass roots).

Bacon painting to fetch €45m

2008-03-25T11:27:00.003Z

A PAINTING of a lovely rasher of bacon is tipped to fetch a record $70 million (€45m) when it goes under the hammer in New York shortly, O'theby’s auction house and victuallers said yesterday.

The painting, Lovely Rasher (1976), described by the auction house as “a masterwork of the first order” and rich in symbolism drawing on ancient Denny print ads, is to go on sale on May 14.

“This is undoubtedly the most important picture of a rasher of bacon in private hands. It has been in the same fridge ever since it was acquired 30 years ago,” said Toby Mishugginner, O'theby’s worldwide head of foody art. “It is a masterpiece of the 20th century and would be lovely and crispy to eat or indeed wear were it a real rasher of bacon and not just a flash protestant representation of pig meat by-produce.”

Editorial: Should Queen Visit Ireland?

2008-03-23T09:50:00.002Z

2irish News feel it is time for it to end its silence on the matter of the proposed visit by the Queen to Ireland in the near future. In the opinion of this publication it would be an absolute travesty and an insult to the memory of the dead. If Ireland couldn't see it's way clear to invite Queen when Freddy Mercury was still alive then it is a pitiful example of too little too late to invite the remaining band members long after Freddy gave his life in the cause of Freedom.

Meanwhile The Kinks, who are all still alive and waiting year in year out for the call to tea at the Áras have once again been overlooked. We say to President McAleeeeeese "Come of it, Marm!!!!!!"

Reflections On Good Friday

2008-03-21T17:00:00.001Z

...tend to be a deal clearer - be they in a shiny surface, or even of a philosophical nature - than those reflections experienced on other fridays. Perhaps this is because the pubs are closed.

If this is indeed the case, whats so fecking "good" about it?

Dublin Bus Unions/Dalai Lama Negotiations Mix-Up

2008-03-21T16:45:00.004Z

Representatives of Dublin Bus unions were red faced today following a mix-up in negotiations to halt attacks on bus drivers in west Dublin which resulted in China sending additional troops into restive areas and making more arrests in the Tibetan capital Lhasa in an effort to suppress anti-government protests - the embarrasment further deepened when it was revealed that the Dalai Lama offered face-to-face negotiations with civic leaders and gardai in Finglas.

Chinese Government officials acknowledged for the first time that protests against poor service have spread to Finglas after sweeping through Lhasa last week. A Chinese government spokesman also commented on the attacks on Finglas bus drivers, saying "String them up - a dose of the 'Lugs Brannigan' treatment wouldn't go amiss". It is unclear whether his comments were directed toward the citizens of Finglas accused of the attacks, or Dublin Bus drivers themselves. A recent 2irish opinion poll conducted by our statistician Lech Wzynzzniki reveals most respondents would be happy with severe beatings for all concerned.

In other news, Dublin Bus has apologised for the activities of a rogue Dublin Bus driver who was spotted smiling and behaving in a courteous manner to his passengers. "We are tracking this pervert down" a spokes-clippy told 2irish News

Taoiseach's Legal Team Requests Time

2008-03-20T00:10:00.002Z

The team representing the Taoiseach, Bunty Ahem, has requested more time to come up with an explanation of apparently contradictory evidence given in relation to lodgements made in the Taoiseach's building society account to the Mahon Tribunal.

A building society official has stated that, far from being salary lodgements as asserted by Mr. Ahem, certain lodgements were in fact made in sterling ha'pennys wrapped in the then usual foreign exchange socks. This contradicted evidence made by a staff sacrificial victim of Ahem's who has now admitted that evidence she gave about these lodgements may have been in error in that it was not accurate in any way whatsoever.

The Taoiseach's legal team has requested time to respond, admitting that "This is a good one, you'll have to give us a mintue or two now, in fairness, to come up with something new".

Mr Ahem has so far not commented tonight, but his spokesghouls have said he is out on the streets in disguise helping unfortunate widows, fallen women and the feckless with handouts and soup as is his wont. God Bless Him.

Bready O'Seldomwins Shock Resignation

2008-03-19T23:59:00.003Z

Rugby Overlord Bready O'Seldomwins has quit as Rugby Person In Chief after his Irish side narrowly missed out on playing rugby in this years Six Nations Championship.

"I feel that I have done everything right and the amount of money I have been paid backs that up in my book (which will be on sale in time for the Chrsitmas)", said Bready in a statement. "I would like to thank the players the officials and the fans who have all contributed slightly to the enormous strides forward I made in recent years and I would ask them not to feel too bad about letting me down in the final analysis".

O'Seldomwins had been tipped as a future coach of the British & Paddys Lions team but it now looks more likely that that job will go to a rigby coach of some sort.

Speaking on behalf of the Irish players, Braintrousers O'Dresswell, the Irish captain said that he was sad to see O'Seldomwins go and that he would be telling the story from his perspective in a new book due out in time for Christmas.

Leading contenders for the post of Irish rugby coach now are everyone in New Zealand and a childrens TV puppet character.

Evidence Of Massive New Dig-Out At St Lukes

2008-03-16T15:46:00.004Z

from our man in Drumcondra - EAMON TROLLEYBUS

Dateline: Drumcondra, March 16th 2008

Our pictures say it all - the good burghers of Drumcondra - the sleepy northside hamlet terrorised for years by Taoiseach Bunty Ahem - awoke to find St Luke's, the HQ of the Taoiseach's web of fantasy accounts, besieged by a crack team of archaeologists intent on getting to the bottom of Mr Ahem's labyrinthine and 'makey-uppy' financial dealings.

It was unclear at the time of writing whether or not the men conducting this fresh dig-out literally on St Luke's doorstep were members of An Taisce or the Criminal Assets Bureau - our photographer Lauren Jones was unable to ascertain their origins - when questioned by the workmen about her intentions our photographer pretended to French, made "'er ow you say? excuzezz" and left.

Mr Ahem, currently believed to be pilfering courtesy mints from ante-rooms in the White House is unable for comment, but is said by Washington insiders to have inexplicably minty fresh breath.

TD: Fortune From Property Deals, Not Crime

2008-03-14T09:50:00.003Z

ONE of Ireland’s most affluent TDs, Frank ‘The Landlord’ Fahey has claimed he did not make his fortune from any involvement in two of the biggest robberies in the history of the State, but from shrewd property investments.

It was put to ‘The Landlord’ in his first-ever television interview last night that he had accumulated his wealth at around the same time as a general election was stolen from under the noses of the opposition with promises of good times ahead and a turkey a day for all voting Fianna Fail.

Fahey, who is by his own admission a member of the Fianna Fail crime family, said: “The money in my bank account was not out of any bribery of the electorate or robbery."

Asked by 2irish News to clarify his involvement in the 2007 election he elaborated “What can I say? If everyone believes I done it, hands up, I didn’t do them. That’s all I can say."

“I done a lot of business in property, it was a good time and that’s where I made me money. If people say Fianna Fail, so be it. I mean I was questioned about these election promises you are talking about so, we’ll let them decide, the people.”

'The Landlord’ admitted he was a man of influence in the community and that he had stood in local, general and european elections, some of which he had got away with.

“Oh yes [I am] a TD, yes I know that, but not a cabinet minister, not a former accountant without any financial records you know, no, no Taoiseach no, I’m not,” he said.

He said the reason he was so filthy rich was luck in property matters "I done no one...give us your vote - I knew yer father well"

Utterly co-incidentally, in a television programme broadcast last night featuring glamourous alleged criminal mastermind Gerry 'The Monk' Hutch, Chief Superintendent John O’Mahoney, head of CAB, said: “There are people out there who would have you believe that a certificate of tax clearance meant that people were innocent of criminality. A certificate of tax clearance is just that — it is not a certificate of innocence. We tax the proceeds of crime.”

Taoiseach Bunty Ahem is believed to be packing his bags

Mahon Tribunal Hears Fund For Maintenance of Taoiseach's Constituency Office Used To Buy Comics & Sweets

2008-03-13T15:39:00.003Z

The Mahon Tribunal has learned that an account set up for the apparent maintenance and upkeep of St. Luke’s constituency office in Drumcondra was never used for this purpose.

The revelations come as a member of Taoiseach Bunty Ahem's inner circle Tim "The Bank-Account-Setter-Upper" Collins gave evidence to the Planning and Payments Inquiry earlier today.

The Tribunal has already heard that Mr. Collins, a political activist and close friend of Bunty Ahem set up the mysterious B/T account from which Bertie Ahern’s ex partner Celivia Peron received a 30,000 pounds loan in 1993.

It has been speculated that the letters 'B/T' refer to Brown Thomas, the swank southside department store where the Taoiseach can often be spied chewing daintily at the edges of damask curtains - "my only vice" he once joked to security men in the soft furnishings department.

However, the truth would appear to be that the letters refer to "Bunty" and "Topper", the two fave reads of the leader of the country for many years. It is further contended that monies from the account paid for several years worth of the aforementioned funny papers, and 379,000 tonnes of boiled sweets, purchased over the counter by unspecified constituency workers, in quarter pound amounts.

Local Drumcondra barman Art Fulldodger of Fagins Pub, the Taoiseach's local hostelry told 2irish News that he is not surprised by the revelations. "He is a great man altogether" he said, "He'd always be in here being scrupulously honest and sitting in the corner by the fire over there, planning how to help those around him in a totally honest and above board honest manner, and reading his comics....and sucking LLC Gums. In an honest and legal way now you understand"

The evidence as expounded by Mr Collins was immediately back-dated and corroborated by other close personal friends of the Taoiseach, including Paddy The Plasterer, Bob The Builder, Conor The Alibi and a Mr Joe Stalin of Pravda

McCartney Campaigns To Stop Kangaroo Cull

2008-03-13T14:38:00.002Z

The former Beatle Paul McCartney has spoken out in disgust at Australia's plans to cull a large number of kangaroos; the animals have been targeted to be culled after the Australian government issued reports stating their large numbers impacted heavily on other species in the area.

The 65-year-old rocker, widely believed to be the leading expert on voracious hopping creatures, told 2irish News: "There is an urgent need for action to protect kangaroos from a barbaric industry which slaughters them for meat and leather..." he then arched his eyebrows and waggled his head from side to side adding "Oooooo-ooo!"

Sir Paul has added his support to a campaign by Vegetarians International Voice for Animals (VIVA!), who are desperate to halt the proposed killing of 500 of the marsupials near the country's capital, Canberra, but who are so sadly deficient in the nutrients freely available to meat-eaters, that they cannot lift their protest banners for very long.

Cabinet Ministers Receive Bullets in Post

2008-03-11T16:12:00.001Z

Senior Government ministers Jabba The Health and Micheál Sleeveen have been sent threatening letters containing bullets in the post.

Government spokespeople confirmed that both the current and former Health Minister received the packages on February 29.

Taoiseach Bunty Ahem condemned the threats to two of his most senior colleagues this afternoon.

The Minister for Communications Eamon Treehugger was delighted that the bullets, posted on the 27th of February, had taken only two days to arrive at their intended destinations.

"I promised a first class postal service when I received this cabinet posting, and by golly I stand by that" he said, before jumping on his bicycle and racing his Garda driver home to leafy south Dublin.

Justice Minister Announces Garda Whistle-Blower Service

2008-03-11T16:09:00.001Z

Justice Minister Brian Largehead is about to announce the establishment of a new whistle-blower within the Gardaí to aid the majority of older, tubbier Gardai to blow their whistles.

"Sure the poor obese feckers have no puff left at all most of them" a spokesbeing for the Department of Justice told 2irish News earlier today. He went on to announce that: "Electric self-wielding truncheons and reinforced flatbed squad-trucks are to be introduced on a phased basis later this year".

Defending rates of obesity in the Gardai, the spokesbieng pointed out that 13% of all crimes were solved by overweight Gardai accidentally falling over and crushing wrongdoers. The spokesbeing also drew our reporter's attention to the complete absence of an EU Marietta-Biscuit mountain - "Thats thanks to the Gards" he said, before sending a €5 royalty cheque to a Mr Alex Lyons of no fixed abode.

Gunman Attacked in Limerick Pub

2008-03-11T09:22:00.004Z

There is widespread alarm amongst the thug community following a harrowing experience for one of their members in Limerick yesterday. Mr. Anthony Maria O'Vicious burst into a Limerick pub brandishing a shotgun only to discover that he was in Limerick. The punters, delighted at the happenstance and thinking that the bar's owner Pat McMunnybags had laid on a Gun-o-gram to make up for the broken juke box in "The Sarsfield & Hatchet", set about the unfortunate Mr. O'Vicious damaging his arms and legs and seriously wounding one of his heads.

Gardaí have been quick to insist this was an isolated incident. "As far as we know there is only one Limerick at large in the state," confirmed Commissioner feckless O'Truncheon at a hastily arranged breakfast in his house this morning. "Brutal thugs should be safe enough in most other counties - though thugs in the Donegal area should obtain a 'licence' from the Gardaí there before doing whatever they want."

ireland.com 10/3/2008 - Breaking News - Gunman overpowered in Limerick pub

"Independent" Kerry TD Drawn On Detail Of Deal With Taoiseach

2008-03-10T17:09:00.004Z

Flamboyant gombeen and TD Jackie Really-Madd has finally been drawn on the workings of the deal he drew up with Taoiseach Bunty Ahem following the last general election - the revelations come in the face of recent jeering of the member for Kerry that other "independents" such as Finian Rainbowe in Dublin and Beverly Monstrous-Cretin in Mayo had achieved far more for their collusion with the Cosa Nostra.
Mr Really-Madd was reported to be sick of those who constantly pointed out that Finian Rainbowe had managed to prevent the rezoning of Dublin Port as a car park for Fianna Fail supporters, and that Ms Monstrous-Cretin had negotiated her exoneration from serious fraud charges. He denied that his deal was far inferior, and had so far only produced a roundabout in Kerry worth €600,000.
"Arragh sure feck!" Mr Really-Madd told 2irish News, continuing "Iwwwah warr 'ooo, lemmony parrra walli agg worroooo lah! Squann annah laparrroooa!". Pointing to a nearby power point presentation, he intimated that his deal with Taoiseach Ahem had given him (Mr Really-Madd), "...dominion over all the mushrooms of this land".
In addition, Mr Really-Madd claims ownership of the mythical land of Tir-Na-N'og, although it is unclear as to whether he believes this to be a condition of his deal to shore up the Fianna Fail government, or if it is a result of being born and raised too close to chemical fumes from a nearby boot polish plant.
Mr Really-Madd, known for his attachment to his hat, is 103.

Garda Commissioner Says "Operation Really Tough" Will Not Be Wound Down

2008-03-10T11:58:00.004Z

Garda Commissioner Feckless O'Truncheon has vowed to fight on against organised crime in the wake of a torrid weekend in which everyone in Dublin was stabbed and shot to death twice.

"We will leave no stone unturned to bring these divils to justice", O'Toole fumed at a hastily arranged Fuming Conference with the media in a popular doughnut and coffee outlet in North Dublin. "It's a scorched earth policy from now on".

Commissioner O'Toole then revealed that already this month Operation Really Tough has turned over four or five sizeable stones and a plethora of smaller rocks and pebbles in Leitrim, Plans to scorch the earth revealed during these operations were "at an advanced stage", he promised.

Operation Really Tough has been in place for four years and has clamped one man and scowled disapprovingly at up to a dozen more individuals suspected of being villainous thugs. Gardai plan to up the stakes by introducing an on-the-spot "Point-and-Shame" policy where numbers permit the release of manpower from sitting duties.

O’Manley disputes 'unscientific' poll on PD leadership race

2008-03-09T23:45:00.001Z

PD Senator Fiona O'Manley has come out fighting following the release of a new poll which suggests she's unlikely to take over the leadership of the PD's, winners of the title World's Tiniest Political Schism 2008.

The Sunday Turgid’s survey indicated that out of 18 party Councillors crammed into a mid-sized family hatchback - Galway based Senator Hefty Cannon is favoured by the eleven who were closest to the glovebox, with only one as yet undecided.

Senator O'Malley has described the poll as unscientific, pointing out that there aren't that many PDs left. She is hoping that support from several of her imaginary friends will make up the difference.

Meanwhile Senator Hefty Cannon also said anyone voting for him will be invited to a gala victory party at Supermacs Eyre Square.

Tellingly the outgoing acting PD leader, Jabba The Health Service, has proposed that the losing contender "...whoever she may be.." be frozen in carbonite and sold on to a bounty hunter in order to raise money for more sandwiches and "...fries of a tasty nature..."

Irish Adviser to Bananarama Quits after Calling Godzilla a "Monster"

2008-03-08T21:38:00.003Z

AN IRISH born adviser to Eric Bananarama resigned yesterday after calling beloved Japanese rampaging 200ft lizard Godzilla “a monster”.

Samantha Mines-a-small-Powers, who is an unpaid foreign policy adviser and Harvard professor of stating the obvious , announced her resignation in a statement provided by the Bananarama campaign in which she expressed “deep regret” for her comments.

“Last Monday, I made inexcusable remarks that are at marked variance from my oft-stated admiration for Godzilla and from the spirit, tenor and purpose of the Bananarama campaign,” she said. “And I extend my deepest apologies to Senator Godzilla, Senator Bananarama, King Kong, the cast of Yuh-Gi-Oh! and the remarkable team I have worked with over these long 14 months.”

Samantha Mines-a-small-Powers interview on Monday was published yesterday in a Scottish newspaper, even though she attempted to keep it from appearing in print by staring at the interviewer with a steely glint while brandishing a soup spoon.

“Godzilla is a monster, she is rampaging through Tokyo” the Daily Hootsthenoo quoted her as saying.

As US news media picked up on the remark, Mines-a-small-Powers issued a statement of apology and the campaign said Senator Bananarama decried the characterisation.

The Godzilla campaign held a conference call with several of the giant lizard’s supporters calling for Mines-a-small-Powers to be eaten, or at the very least crushed underfoot.

Godzilla spokesman Howard Wolfman noted that those involved in the Godzilla campaign had been eaten, or at the very least crushed underfoot when they spoke of Bananarama’s teenage drug use, or helped spread the false rumour that the Illinois senator once worked as a backing singer for The Fun Boy Three.

Wolfman defended his own comparison of Bananarama to former Beatle Ringo Starr, saying he’d been responding to “attacks” from the Bananarama campaign regarding Godzilla’s tax returns, and her penchant for eating commuter trains full of industrial workers from Osaka.

Bertie Ahern - Did I Say That?

2008-03-05T12:04:00.002Z

Ireland in Talks With Britain, Denmark, Iceland Over Shite Rock In Sea

2007-11-01T10:29:00.000Z

Ireland will today continue talks with Britain, Denmark and Iceland over ownership of the sea around Rockall Island. The island is a thirty-five centimetre rock sticking our of the sea a mere fifty thousand kilometres to the north of Ireland. The sea surrounding the island is believed to contain valuable resources including oil, gas, coal, kryptonite, carbon fibre panels and a very big fish.

All the interested parties are attempting to show a direct connection between their countries and the rock. Ireland's claim is based on a manuscript written by a monk from Donegal in the 5th century in which the author claims to have visited the island a number of times. The manuscript also includes draft plans for a kitchen extension for which it is believed outline planning permission was granted by the then King Of The Sea, Neptune.

The Irish Government is represented at the negotiations by minister for state at The Department of The Marine, Sheila Ní Fharraige. Ms. Ní Fharraige will be putting the case for Irish plans to build 350,000 new apartments, 98 pubs and restaurants, 12 winebars, an international airport, fourteen coffee shops, thirteen mobile phone retail outlets and a financial district on the island with work scheduled to begin in 2009. A school and a shop are also planned for phase two of the development in 2067.

Iceland & Denmark both claim the island was used by Vikings from both countries as a rest stop on regularly scheduled pillaging voyages, whilst Britain will usually fight like hell for any small island a long way away from itself where nobody in their right mind would want to go.

Ireland.com Breaking News: "Rockall Talks To Resume Today" 1/11/2007

On This Day In Irish History: Oct 22nd 686 AD - Slave Market Crash

2007-10-22T11:18:00.000+01:00

An early setback for the Irish economy occurs when the major Irish export of the time, slaves, plummets in value.

The standard price for the slaves exported to Scandinavia is zero. The Vikings take Irish people as slaves whenever they need some.

However with the slave material having been exploited in previous years and increasing numbers of complaints from customers who bought two Irish slaves only to find themselves feeding a family of twenty within a couple of years it becomes uneconomic to pay nothing for the slaves.

Instead Irish people are required to pay large sums before the Vikings will consent to whack them over the head, clap them in irons and take them away from their homes and families forever.

It is this phenomenon which is largely responsible for the emphasis in the Irish economy changing from slaves to piston rings. (The dreadful mismatching of this fine product with the incorrect century in which to market it is another story).

Bishop Donates Ennis Land To Old

2007-10-19T09:45:00.000+01:00

The Bishop of Killwilly has announced that the Church will donate land €10 million near Ennis in a bid to solve the problem of old people mingling with ordinary people in the area.

The land, which is currently used to store a lake, will be partially drained. €2 million has been set aside for the purchase of rubber slippers. An old people's home, provisionally called "The Killwilly Codger Containment Project" will be built with room for 150 old people. Although there are at least 500 people who could benefit from such a development, the Bishop has pointed out that many of the first wave of residents "won't be staying long".

The land will also have a skate park, a cattery and a clean room for the manufacture of complex high tech computer chips.

Bishop donates €10m worth of land for elderly project BreakingNews.ie 17/10/2007

On This Day In Irish History: The Inverse Siege Of Ennis Begins (September 28th 1768)

2007-09-28T11:42:00.000+01:00

Rebellious Irish Lords in Clare decide to attempt to overthrow the English invaders by barricading themselves into the town of Ennis and laying siege to Ireland from within.

There is early success as the supply of tin whistles to the Ennis hinterland is affected, but Ireland holds out, fashioning replacement whistles from the hollowed out femurs of rodents.

After three weeks the ringleader Daft Hugh Ormonde issues an ultimatum demanding the surrender of everyone outside Ennis. Sadly the move falls foul of the location of the post office of the time just outside the centre of Ennis.

Unable to post the ultimatum, Daft Hugh ties the message to the leg of a crow and gives it to a messenger with instructions to send the bird to the armies trapped outside inn Ireland.

The messenger eats the crow and the message and sends the feathers instead. In the 16th century this is acknowledged as a sign that you surrender and wish to be massacred.

The inverse siege fails.

EU Says Pint Legal

2007-09-11T15:40:00.000+01:00

The EU has decided that it will lift the mandatory death sentence for the use Imperial weights and measures in the UK and The Republic of Ireland. The move by the EU Commissioner For Amounts Of Stuff, Herr Shortlong Grossenlanger, comes just days before the EU was due to issue warrants for the arrest of most of the population of England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland including warrants for the arrest of twelve mice in Longford.

Pints will now continue to be used in the sale of alcohol, with the displaying of pounds and ounces also legalised. However the use of the Cow as a measure of distance in Carlow is to remain on the official banned list, and inhabitants of Achill will have switch from the Goatsarse and Tinygoatsarse to litres and millilitres by 2010.

Mayo Fianna Fail Defer Decision On Beverly Copper-Neck, Badger

2007-09-11T12:43:00.000+01:00

The local cumann of Fianna Fail in Mayo was unable to reach a decision on the claims to readmission to the party of two expelled members, Ms Beverly Copper-Neck and Mr Baartholomew "Batt" Badger. Ms Flynn was expelled from Fianna Fail when she lost a libel case against obscure public service broadcasting organisation RTE, whereas Batt Badger was expelled when it came to light that he is a badger.

The local party is split down the middle with half the voting members thinking that payment of €20 billion in costs by Ms Copper-Neck is sufficient punishment and the other half believing that there is a greater possibility that a badger will cease to be a badger than that Ms Copper-Neck will amend her ways.

The matter has been referred to party headquarters where a decision is likely to be delayed pending the outcome of two intra-party commissions into the electability of wild animals and letting a badger in respectively.

BreakingNews.ie 11/09/2007 "FF members in Mayo divided over Flynn re-admission"

Three Roads Shut For Car Free Day in Dublin

2007-09-11T11:55:00.000+01:00

Three streets are to be closed for the forthcoming Car Free Day in Dublin after the Minister for the Environment John Gormless stuck his oar in. This is a big change from a regular day in Dublin when it is impossible to drive down approximately 947 streets.

Mr Gormless (seen here on the way to an important meeting with a woodland creature) has urged people to follow his lead and either walk or use something similar to his recently acquired ministerial donkey.

Ireland.com 11/09/2007 "Car Free Day to shut 3 Dublin streets"

Suspect Comedy Bomb Turns Out To Be Hoax In Baldoyle

2007-09-06T11:27:00.000+01:00

Gardaí yesterday discovered that a suspect device attached to a vehicle parked in the beautiful Dublin suburb of Baldoyle was an elaborate hoax. Members of the public alerted Gardaí when they spotted a large comedy bomb, labelled "BOMB" on the roof of a white van bearing the legend "Defuse Me!" written by fingertip in the dirt on its sides.

The Army Comedy Bomb Disposal Unit was called in from the Second Light Clowning Infantry Division and the area was cleared as they approached the suspect device in their hilarious falls-apart car, They pied the van in question and the tall skinny Clowning Infantryman accidentally poured a bucket of water over his shorter colleague who was inexplicably carrying a plank over his shoulder. The plank almost hit other members of the until several times as the small chap whirled around frantically looking for a bomb, much to the amusement of the distant onlookers.

In the even the device turned out not to be a real comedy bomb, but a convincing Chinese replica comedy bomb. Such items have made their way onto the Irish comedy explosives market recently and whilst they are quite amusing from a distance many are merely sarcastic when viewed up close and some particularly dangerous examples have been shown to be borderline tragic.

RTE News 05/09/2007: "Baldoyle Suspect Device Was Elaborate Hoax"

Environment Minister To Deny Stag Hunt Licence But Slug Hunts To Proceed

2007-09-04T14:15:00.000+01:00

The Minister for the Environment John Gormless is expected to deny the Meath-based "Flay The Cute Woodland Beasts Hunt" a licence to hunt deer this year. Last year the hunt drove a stag into a schoolyard leading to the accidental educating of five of its members and a persistent smell of terrified deer in the gym.

Since there are no other deer hunts in Ireland this will in effect ban all deer hunting in the state. However anti-hunt protesters are likely to be disappointed that a licence to the Ballyferriter Slug Hunt looks set to be granted despite Minister Gormless' personal distaste for the traditional Kerry mollusc rending festival.

A spokesperson for The Department of the Environment has confirmed that slugs are officially classified as "Yucky" and will therefore not be protected from harassment by the Ballyferriter Hunt. Each year the hunt meets close to Smerwick Harbour and pursues a buck slug across country before the attendant pack of slug hounds tears the slug limb from limb. The chase takes a long time but the kill is swift, there being only one limb.

RTE News 04/09/2007: "Gormley unlikely to grant stag hunt licence"

Bórd Gais Announces Multilingual Phone Service

2007-08-29T16:31:00.000+01:00

Bórd Gais has launched a new phone service in Polish, Russian and Mandarin Chinese which will allow customers to make billing enquiries, pay their gas bill, clear their accounts, make extra gas-related purchases and donate money to Bórd Gais for no reason at all in those languages.

There are still no plans to introduce the service in the English language.

RTE News, Wednesday 29/08/07 Bord Gáis launches multilingual phone service

Students Call For Like A Decent Gaff And Stuff

2007-08-28T14:33:00.000+01:00

A group of students held a camping protest outside Dail Eireann last night calling on the government to provide affordable rented accomodation or at least some pizza vouchers.

Spokes-student Traoloch Ó Chubhuarghaigh said he and his fellow students were no longer prepared to pay through the nose for substandard accommodation, and like neither was his dad.

The students claim that the average student flat in Dublin now costs the equivalent of a year's supply of stuff (also equivalent to six months worth of "shite like that" or a million years worth of "essential literature").

The students camped out all night and sang political protest songs around a cardboard cut-out of a camp-fire. They have vowed to stay there until the government takes action or until their first maintenance grant cheque is issued or Friday, whichever happens first.

The Minister With Responsibility For Students, Kevin O'Coole has said the government is one hundred per cent behind the students and will remain so until they get out of the gateway.

BreakingNews.ie 28/08/2007 Students demand action to tackle accommodation crisis

Church Porn Hack Horror

2007-08-24T14:05:00.000+01:00

A dormant Catholic Church website owned by the diocese of Cling has been misused by hackers to redirect visitors to porn, sex and dating sites.

Visitors to the site were offered a variety of novel "Confessions" and were also led to the web cam site of "Hail" Mary Vasquez, the Brazilian Internet porn queen.

The Bishop of Cling, Dr. John Bigcrozier, has expressed horror and distress.

"It's an affront to the Church," he fumed from the pulpit last night, "What's worse we haven't made a red cent from it. There's your sin for you right there".

All the offending links have been removed and will be examined carefully in a closed session of the Cling Commission for Digital Lewdness at the weekend.

Meanwhile it is thought group of dedicated Jesuit hackers from "The Little Geeks Of Our Lady " order have broken into the webservers of www.longnightsofunfeasibleecstascy.com and replaced all the images on that site with pictures of famous Popes. The Popes were unavailable for comment.

BreakingNews.ie: Hijacked church website offered links to sex services 24/08/2007

Six Arrested At Rolling Stones Slane Concert

2007-08-20T11:53:00.000+01:00

Gardaí reported arresting just six people at the Rolling Stones Concert in Slane on Saturday which was attended by 70,000.

The concert by octogenarian rockers The Stones was largely without incident apart from a brief scuffle when a rumour went around that the Horlicks concession had sold out. Gardaí estimate that up to 23% of the audience was in fact napping or reading the obituary column while the band was actually on stage.

Keith Richards Relaxes Backstage at Slane Concert

Two men were arrested for "Going on about the old days on a public footpath", three were detained for illegal use of a walking aid and one woman was arrested and charged with attempting to assassinate President deValera.

"Six arrests at Stones concert" BreakingNews.ie 19/08/2007